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I feel like crap. - helen-louise
baratron
baratron
I feel like crap.
Last time I posted, I don't think I was very successful in getting across just how miserable I was. Only got two comments, and that almost made me feel worse. Which is pathetic, I know, but such is bad brain chemistry.

I am still miserable. I don't think this lowered dose of trazodone is sensible. But I also don't know how long I should try it for before giving it up as a bad idea. Clearly, if I've been on a dose for 8 years, then 1-2 weeks isn't going to be long enough for my brain to revert to what it should be doing unassisted. It's been a month now, and not only am I depressed, but I have my horrible PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder back as well - self-loathing and body-hatred. For the past couple of days I've been feeling so dreadful that I couldn't face doing anything, including reading fiction or playing video games. Instead I've been sitting on the sofa cuddling Richard while he played Skyrim.

I suppose I need to go back to the doctor. This is hard. I wish my old doctor had never retired :(

I also need some interaction with other humans, but this is also hard considering that I can't face phoning anyone, and have nothing to talk about.

And I'm miserable enough to feel guilty for writing this self-indulgent whining while other people have actual reasons for being depressed. Eugh.

Feel free to offer *hugs* or blank comments if you want to express sympathy but don't know what to say. Would also welcome supportive comments about dragging myself back to the doctor, and gifts of spoons.

Tags: , , ,
Current Mood: depressed depressed

26 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
tiger_spot From: tiger_spot Date: 21st March 2012 19:45 (UTC) (Link)
::hugs::

Brain chemistry is a reason.
redbird From: redbird Date: 21st March 2012 20:01 (UTC) (Link)
*hugs*

Being depressed is a fact. Knowing the reasons (on the level of, is this body chemistry or outside events, or both?) may be useful, but not knowing why you're in pain doesn't make the pain less real.
brooksmoses From: brooksmoses Date: 21st March 2012 20:40 (UTC) (Link)
Yes, this, exactly. And, more than that, it's remarkable how much we are likely to think of brain chemistry as "not a real reason for being depressed." I think on some level we tend to think that the only real reasons for being depressed are the reasons that amount to a reason why a person would choose to be depressed.

In my experience, being depressed without a "reason" in that sense tends to be harder on people, because having a "reason" is itself some amount of comfort.

baratron, you have my deepest sympathies. And many hugs.

Also, my general impression is that a month is right about the point where it's typical for doctors to say, "yes, this definitely has been shown to not be working; we should try something different."
treacle_well From: treacle_well Date: 21st March 2012 20:18 (UTC) (Link)
so dreadful that I couldn't face doing anything, including reading fiction or playing video games

Urgh. That sounds miserable indeed. I sympathize. And offer hugs.
kshandra From: kshandra Date: 21st March 2012 21:03 (UTC) (Link)
I've spent the past six weeks frantically trying to preserve one of those little wooden spatulas you get tucked inside the top of single-serving ice cream cups, or I would offer you spoons. Instead, I have hugs and empathy.
(Deleted comment)
barakta From: barakta Date: 21st March 2012 21:49 (UTC) (Link)
Ugh poor you, that sounds utterly miserable and horrid.

I agree with brooksmoses that a month is long enough to suffer with poo side effects and go back to the doc for more advice - ESPECIALLY as it may take a week or so to get an appt. The doc can then decide if you need more of it, or if you need something else. Could you ask Richard or another friend to do the appointment booking for you if it's hard?

So sorry to hear things are rotten, you deserve better and brain chemistry and rotten meds are well and truly annoying and justifiable reasons for feeling so bad. We have this sodding moral wossname which says if we feel bad it's our fault which is patently untrue for many people!
reporterdemelza From: reporterdemelza Date: 21st March 2012 22:14 (UTC) (Link)
*hugs* I can't offer much more then a hug, I know how annoying/sad/completely awful depressing moods are though. =/
taimatsu From: taimatsu Date: 21st March 2012 22:56 (UTC) (Link)
*hug* I'm sorry things are still so difficult. I wish it were as easy to send metaphorical spoons as it would be to package up all the spare teaspoons in my flat (I have loads) and send them all to you. :/
lilairen From: lilairen Date: 21st March 2012 23:08 (UTC) (Link)
... oh man, the "I hate myself and I hate my body" thing is a thing? Thank you.

I really hope you can find something htat helps you feel better soon.
(Deleted comment)
dannilion From: dannilion Date: 21st March 2012 23:43 (UTC) (Link)
*Squishes*

Go see your doctor. It will probably help.

I sometimes lie on the sofa while Johan plays games and watch him. It is good.

I hope things improve for you soon. I'm not around much but I think of you a lot.
otterylexa From: otterylexa Date: 22nd March 2012 00:15 (UTC) (Link)
*hugs*
artremis From: artremis Date: 22nd March 2012 01:03 (UTC) (Link)
Good Thoughts and Bunnys
johnckirk From: johnckirk Date: 22nd March 2012 01:14 (UTC) (Link)
Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time; I hope things get better for you.
baratron From: baratron Date: 22nd March 2012 19:55 (UTC) (Link)
bethanthepurple From: bethanthepurple Date: 22nd March 2012 02:59 (UTC) (Link)
.
rhialto From: rhialto Date: 22nd March 2012 08:52 (UTC) (Link)
*hugs*
(Deleted comment)
stellarwind From: stellarwind Date: 22nd March 2012 13:14 (UTC) (Link)


Couldn't find more spoons in one picture on such a short notice. ^^;

(hugs)
maniackatie From: maniackatie Date: 22nd March 2012 14:07 (UTC) (Link)
I understand that this is a very different situation, but I remember what you told me when I kept taking the birth control pill even though it was screwing with my mind. I felt like I had to give it longer to work even though it was clearly not working. It took an outside opinion, such as your own, to show me how misguided my mentality was.

Even though you took the other dosage for many years I think a month is a fair length of time to judge if something is working or not. It seems in this case that it is not working, so you're fully justified in wanting to seek a solution. Don't put yourself through this out of doubt that you haven't given yourself enough time to adjust.

*Hugs you tightly*
mjl From: mjl Date: 22nd March 2012 15:33 (UTC) (Link)
Going back to the doctor sounds like the right thing to try (and I think I would have said that even if you hadn't suggested that we said that...).

*hugs*
alexmc From: alexmc Date: 22nd March 2012 17:10 (UTC) (Link)
Hugs.

Having Low Mood without "enough" reason to be depressed is by its very nature the definition of clinical depression.

More hugs
clawfoot From: clawfoot Date: 22nd March 2012 17:16 (UTC) (Link)
*hugs*
firecat From: firecat Date: 23rd March 2012 10:38 (UTC) (Link)
.
karen2205 From: karen2205 Date: 27th March 2012 21:37 (UTC) (Link)
*offers more spoons and some hugs*

Hope you have a sensible plan re the drugs soon that treats the PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.
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