I am having the worst case of premenstrual dysphoric disorder
that I've had in years
. I stayed up until 9 am this morning because I felt so awful - a strange combination of feeling miserable and tearful and fighting the urge to self-harm while simultaneously praising the fact that I have effective enough mood medication now that I can say to myself, quite honestly, "It's just hormones, you'll feel fine in a day or two". I slept for as long as I possibly could in the hope of feeling like a human when I woke up. Except now the body dysmorphia that I always get with PMDD has spiralled into full-blown gender dysphoria and something in my brain is trying to tell me that having breasts is wrong and this body shouldn't have them. Ever tried ignoring breasts when they feel like two massive itchy sacks of WRONG on your chest and you can't move your arms without touching them? Eh.
I am Okay because I'm well-enough medicated that part of my brain keeps thinking rationally even when other parts are being crazy. But it's not pleasant. When I first went onto carbamazepine (an antiepileptic drug used as a mood stabiliser), I didn't have any mental PMS symptoms at all for about 2 years. It was lovely! I still fell off stepstools and down the stairs and cut myself accidentally through sheer clumsiness (why is that a symptom of PMS? Dunno, but it happens every month for me), but I didn't randomly hate myself or my body or want to die. Then it gradually crept back, but only every other
month. In the same way, that menstrual cycle is always worse for hypomania mid-cycle, pain and bleeding at ovulation, and period pain. Does one of my ovaries fire up more hormones than the other one?
Normal service will be resumed within the next 3 days. Hopefully as soon as possible, because I'm not sure I can take much more of this mentalism. Argh. Hugs welcomed, advice not welcomed (since I've already explored all of the treatment options with my doctor).
Tags: icky girlstuff, pms
Current Mood: indescribable