helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

  • Mood:

staring into the middle distance

It's been a very confusing day. When I went to bed last night I'd set my alarm considerably earlier than I've been getting up so I could go to the Neil Gaiman reading in London. But I woke up this afternoon tired, depressed and paranoid. Been having bad dreams all night that wouldn't go away, so I didn't want to leave the house. Rang a couple of friends and got cheered up, then went online and got upset by something else. Eventually decided to have a shower and try to go out.

So I wrote a tremendously long livejournal entry in the shower and on the train today, bought a book for meirion, ate falafel at the place on Old Compton Street, and came home again. To find a rude letter from my workplace claiming that I'd failed to show up for booked shifts again, without stating when. It's dated this week, but I'm not booked for anything this week - so are they mistaken about when I'm supposed to be in, or is it from some time in the past and they've only just got round to sending it? The assumption is that I know about my sins and the letter's just to let me know that they know about them too - but I don't know about them this time! And I could really do without reading a threatening letter at 12.30am when it's far too late do anything about it *sigh*. The only reason I opened the letter at all was that it'd been sent recorded delivery so I thought it might be something nice, like an unexpected cheque for lots of money. Fat chance.

So instead of sitting here typing in the livejournal entry I wrote in my head, I've been reading the book I bought for meirion cover-to-cover. I like it so much I wish I had a couple of hundred pounds so I could buy a copy for everyone I know who might appreciate it. I'll have to make do with just buying myself a copy and lending it to people, I suppose. And it's 5.10am and I feel lost and lonely, and my stomach is busy tying itself into knots in the way only it can, and I know it'll be hours before it settles enough to let me sleep. I feel hungry, but can't face the consequences of eating. I want some arms wrapped around me, and I want the pain to go away, and I want to not have to deal with a broken body and a broken mind for a few hours.

I wish I'd not resisted the urge to buy some books from the 3 for 2 section today - there were actually 3 books there I wanted, rather than one book I really wanted, one I sort-of wanted, and one more that I threw in just because it was free, like usually happens. I wish I'd been able to give the badge I bought from memevector to Neil Gaiman, the one that says "...and the princess fell in love with the other two princesses and they all lived happily ever after". I thought he might like that. I wish I was on an aeroplane at the moment, travelling across the Atlantic, watching the sun rise over a continent covered in ice. And I don't even like flying, or have anywhere to go. I just want a different life for a couple of hours, until my stomach sorts itself out and I can sleep.

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