helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

  • Mood:

ugh, stress.

I've just checked my past journal entries and it seems I didn't mention The Fax, so I have to talk about that now to make any of this make sense.

One of the things I've done as part of my PhD is write a paper. Actually, I helped co-write another paper, but that one doesn't really count for much because it was on a subject that is utterly unrelated to the stuff that's actually going to be in my thesis (believe me, we did try to make it fit, but we couldn't think of any title that would let me have that stuff in as well). This paper got sent off to a journal, and after much to-ing and fro-ing and rewriting it got accepted. As part of the process, I'd sent them an almost fully-typeset version (it was in Microsoft Word format), and I suppose I thought that would be it.

On Tuesday, I had two phone calls from college. I didn't get either of them because I was out with my mum trying to sort her life out (she's just been diagnosed as having a food intolerancy to wheat and yeast - this is possibly the cause of many of her health problems. As bread and pasta are practically all she eats other than junk food, she was in a terrible state due to being unable to find anything to eat. I found that there were 7 things in my cupboard that were suitable, so I fed her the soup, crisps and rice pudding and we headed out to the shops). The first one simply asked when I would be coming in again, but the second one was more urgent - it said that I'd received a fax from the people at the journal urgently requesting that I check over the manuscript prior to publication. I called back, and discovered that I have to get this done before tomorrow (Friday), or Bad Things Happen.

So I stayed up all night trying to get everything done online that would distract me from working, and around 10.30am yesterday collapsed in a heap in bed. I literally slept all day - having only had about 3 hours sleep the night before I was pretty tired - and I woke up at 2am. I ate something small, took my tablets, and went back to sleep, waking up again about 6.30am. I should've got up then, but I couldn't face it. I stayed lying in bed hugging Luka because I felt too stressed to deal with things. Eventually, I got up, and started ringing friends for some support.

In the past couple of hours I've gone from entirely stressed out to near catatonic - I've gone through the shaking and crying and wanting to curl up in a ball and howl to being almost too passive for my own good. Typing this is actually taking a huge amount of effort because none of my muscles seem to want to work. I just want to lie down on the floor and flop and not have to think about anything or do anything. At least I'm no longer in abject fear of having to ring my supervisor, but I feel too utterly floppy to bother.

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