helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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post-gig comedown.

Feeling very down. At least some of it's because I went to see the Wildhearts this evening, and I always feel down after seeing them. I love that band so much that when the concert ends, my life seems empty. Don't get it with any other band... I'm used to feeling crappy after Wildhearts gigs, but usually I get a couple of hours of euphoria before it kicks in. Tonight, my mood crashed as I was leaving the venue with inquis, and I ended up having an almost-argument with her because I was too over-emotional to be able to explain what I was saying.

I'm not the kind of person who gets obsessive about things. Well... not really - I mean, there's my addiction to The Sims and my mile-wide anal-retentive streak. But I do have This Thing about the Wildhearts.

I can't explain my Thing very easily. Some of the back story can be found on my pages about the Wildhearts. Essentially, the band have been caught up in my life for so long that it's hard for me not to be fanatical about them to a degree that it's very hard for other people to understand. I desperately want other people to understand! I write their lyrics down, but lyrics are meant to be part of a song; I tape their songs for people, but I can't tape the rush of emotions that each song brings out in me. Many of their songs mean far more than just the words and the notes and sounds - they reach into my very core and define who I am.

That probably makes me sound like some sort of psycho stalker. I'm not - I've met most of the band members (impressive with a band that's had as many band members over time as the Wildhearts!) for a brief chat and photo, and emailed Ginger a couple of times (and got the occasional reply). I care very much about the people in the band - when Danny was really ill through heroin addiction, it was breaking my heart that I couldn't do anything to help, and every time there's even the hint that he might be back on the Wrong Sort of drugs, I go to pieces. But I recognise that I don't know them - they're not my friends or anything. And yet - their songs are my oldest friends.

I worked out a few months ago that I have played Earth Vs The Wildhearts more than 1000 times. For a start, there were 3 years when I played it 3 or 4 times a day. It's probably just as well it's a CD - a vinyl would be worn thin by now! There are Wildhearts songs that if I never heard again, I still would never forget - every note, riff and chord change is recorded in my memory. When they fuck up onstage, or change things deliberately, I notice. When audience members chant "headfuck" nine times instead of eight, it bugs me. I realised today that there are some songs I've never known all the words to, and always sung as "na na na" or whatever! (Got to look those up now, and try to replace the "na na na" version in my memory with the right thing). And while watching the band today, I was pondering which songs I'd want played at my wedding (should I ever have one) and at my funeral (likewise).

I wouldn't pretend that I know the Wildhearts. But I know their music. So going to see them's always a weird thing. It's like seeing your best friend and your worst enemy together while waking up in bed with your partner and your psycho ex and the teacher you had a crush on at school. A flood of memories from years of listening to them - as the soundtrack to your life.

So now I feel down. It's not bad - I'll feel better tomorrow, when the memories of the gig are stronger in my mind than the memories of my past. But tonight I will be thoughtful and tearful, remembering too many things for one evening.

And if you don't have a band that means this much to you, I don't expect any of this to make any sense :( No need for *hugs* - but if this resonates with anyone else, please let me know.

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