helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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now sleep is getting hard to get 'cos you never know what you'll forget

I seem to be back in the habit of being awake for around 30 hours and then sleeping for about 18. This is really annoying when pretty much everyone else in this country works on a cycle of 16 hours waking and 8 hours sleep. Being awake at night isn't so much of a problem, because I can do stuff online then and chat to people in the USA, and at this time of year, the sun's up by 6am, and I can get my share of daylight in the early morning. The problem is the instability in my sleep patterns.

If I had stable sleep patterns, I could just get a job with shifted hours - flexitime or shift work. No problem. But how can I work when one day I'm hyperawake and hyperactive and the next day I'm asleep the whole day? We've already established that conventional sleeping pills don't work, and I don't seem to be able to take melatonin like most people because of my weird biochemistry. It's all a bit of a pain.

And my sleep patterns are getting worse, not better as I get older. These days, I can't ignore the fact that I've only had two hours sleep and drag myself into work anyway - I just collapse with exhaustion when I get there. I think I'm going to have to find a specialist sleep clinic - but do such things exist on the NHS? I can't possibly pay to go private - my financial situation is terrible at the moment, which is the reason all this has come about.

I need to start working as a matter of urgency. Yet more of my self-analysis has revealed that I'm pretty damn unlikely to ever be able to finish my PhD until I sort out my self-esteem problems. But what I need to do to sort them out is to prove to myself that I am employable in more than just a menial shop or office job - that my stupid string of qualifications means something - that I can actually become a useful member of society. After months of looking in the Evening Standard job section and finding nothing, I've got to try more specialised routes. So I'm online at the moment desperately looking for jobs. There's got to be something that I both can and want to do.

I thought I'd found that when I saw Starbucks advertising for managers. I have heaps of managerial experience through all the student union stuff I've done, and I certainly have experience of Starbucks - I'm in there one day in two. But after a cursory interview, they chucked me out with the excuse that I "didn't have retail experience". I said "What difference does that make?". They said "well, you need to be able to do cash handling". I said "I've got an A-grade A-level in further maths - I think I can count out change correctly". *shakes head in amazement*

That totally knocked my confidence though. I went into that interview assuming they'd probably beg me to come and work for them, and came out feeling like an idiot. God. I was going for that to boost my self-esteem and what happened? I feel worse than before.

On top of that, I've had pre-menstrual depression the past couple of days, and I now have bad period pain in a belly hugely bloated with water retention. Ugh. I've been peeing every half an hour, and it's still not enough. Thank God it's only one day a month, or I'd go mad. Added to which, the so-called "gardeners" have been mowing the lawn for the past hour, so I'm going to have hayfever for the rest of the day. They've now stopped that and are attacking the hedges with what appears to be a chainsaw. The noise is unbelievable - and it's not even 9.30am yet! Just what I need in the morning when I haven't slept all night...

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