I'll admit that some of the tummy trouble is my own fault - I ate a (not terribly large) amount of whipped cream today, but eh, I didn't expect it to be this bad. So I need to make a new Note To Self: Even with lactase enzyme tablets, I can't seem to eat any quantity of milk, cream or ice cream without real distress afterwards. I can have a reeeeally small amount of milk or butter in cakes or biscuits (like if a cake is made with margarine that's 60% vegetable oil and 10% butter) very occasionally, but liquid milk turns my insides to ugh - which means that all creamy sauces are out unless they're made with delicious soy milk. I can have one meal containing melted hard cheese once a week (preferably once a fortnight), but can't have any soft cheese or cheese sauces, and I've never eaten hard cheese unmelted, so I don't know if it'd be okay or not.
Left all this in a public entry in case people want to cook for me anytime. I'll note that Sainsbury's Freefrom dairy-free stuff is wonderful - their spread is almost like butter, and I use it in absolutely everything - cakes, cookies, bread, sauces as well as on bread. They also have dairy-free custard that looks horrible because it has no colouring in (to avoid allergies), but tastes okay warm on cake. I haven't tried any of their cakes or biscuits though, because they're all wheat-free & gluten-free, which tends to be hard - and also, not all of them are dairy-free & vegetarian (the Freefrom dairy-free carbonara sauce has real ham in, which is depressing, as it would be God's own gift to me if it was a veggie dairy-free carbonara that smelled and tasted okay). But the spread and custard is great, so... eh. Yes, that's my word of the day, how could you tell?
And whey powder is the devil's own weapon of destruction - it's about 90% lactose, or "lactose-on-a-stick", and it's in bloody everything. Again Sainsbury's come out tops, because as well as the detailed ingredients on the back of their own brand products, there is a large print allergy box, which says "Contains Milk" if a product does. This makes it about 100 times quicker to go through the shelves looking for things I can eat, and means you don't have to know all the details about milk and its breakdown products and which of them are okay and which aren't. (Lactose bad, galactose okay, lactic acid absolutely fine, unless it's in my legs in which case it's very bad).
And ugh, this is only talking about my dairy triggers, not the enormous number of fruits and vegetables I have to avoid completely or eat in very small "doses" (which is fucking pissing me off, because I really like vegetables, but ONE PIECE of white cabbage is enough to have me on the toilet every 20 minutes for the next four to six hours, which is fucking crap. Never try to feed me salad.) or anything more interesting than white bread or... and sugar is a natural laxative, so I can't eat very many sweets even, and...
I just want to get sleep so I can go to work tomorrow, and a new cast-iron gut so I can go to work without gassing everyone in my vicinity for the entire duration of my shift! Is that too much to ask?!