May 31st, 2001

ankh

so I fall apart...

Last time I wrote here I was tired, but happy and bouncy. In fact, after I'd submitted my post and read it back, I tried to change my mood from "accomplished" to "tired, but bouncy" - but for some reason that didn't work. It seems a bit pointless to have another attempt at editing it now when everyone who's going to read this has already read that.

My current mood is "tired, and not at all bouncy". Actually, I feel drained, emotionally and physically exhausted - not so much depressed as simply non-functioning. I'm so generally not with it that I'm finding it hard to express myself in words - yet I feel somewhat obliged to write something here nonetheless. Though I'm bad at replying to email, and can go months without updating my website, I feel as though I should keep this journal updated. Go figure.

So, the weekend was pretty busy. It was a long weekend for us folk here in the UK - we got a Bank Holiday Monday. I'd spent Friday night writing stuff here (did I do something else? I honestly can't remember), and I didn't get up until late on Saturday. Richard and I did some idle shopping and played Timesplitters, and I phoned round all my friends who like theme parks to see if any of them fancied an exciting Sunday. As James F. said he did, we got up early on Sunday and went to Chessington World of Adventures - a rather good theme park only 1/2 hour away on the bus. We bought season passes (now valid for a whole calendar year), went on all our favourite rides, then ate dinner in the new Kingston Wagamama.

Monday was another early start, with Tim and Peter arriving at 10.40am to drive us to IKEA for the purchasing of furniture: a Robin bookcase, an Igge shower curtain, Dragon cutlery, Ribba picture frames, Granat cushions, Boalt CD racks and a Bussig coat hook thing (I thought about finding each of those items in the IKEA catalogue and linking to them, but www.ikea.co.uk's not working at the moment, and I'm not actually sure if the catalogue is online.) In the end, the car was so full that Richard and I had to go home on the tram, as there wasn't space in there for us as well. We played more PS2 games in the evening, then I logged on to read news and suchlike for a couple of hours, and logged off to go to bed about 2am. In actual fact, I didn't get to sleep until gone 5am, as Richard was feeling stressed and wanted to talk, and I'd stayed up too long, got overtired, and couldn't sleep. When I did get to sleep, I had a whole load of bad dreams and ended up sleeping the whole day, not waking up properly until 10pm, by which time I was feeling pretty bad. When Richard got home he took me to Pizza Express, but he went to bed soon after we got back. Sitting up by myself I felt decidedly *-phobic, so I went to bed again, planning just to sleep until it got light - but somehow I slept until the early evening. Thus I wasted both Tuesday and Wednesday.

In the past week I've had two days of depression and despair, one day of rest, two days of frenetic activity, and two days crashed out. Right now, I don't know where I'm heading or what's going on with my life. People who haven't read my recent entries here keep asking how my PhD is going, and I've just been answering "read my diary". I'm just not in a state to cope with things at all. And right now I need to sleep again.

It's taken me more than two hours to write this journal entry, and I'm falling asleep at the keyboard now, but I'm completely overtired and there is much noise outside from the gardeners mowing the lawn (we have a communal garden shared between all the flats here). I'm going to take some melatonin and hope that lets me crash out until I feel able to cope with things again.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained
blue

blurs and filters.

I'm still here, an hour after I said I was going to bed, because I checked my "friends" page to discover that quite a few people that I know from elsewhere have started journals here too, and I had to stay up to read all of their recent entries. I now have the following people listed as friends: adjectivemarcus, bfo, ciphergoth, clairaide, emperor, firecat, inquis, jinian, katyha, kshandra, londonstatto, mactavish and meirion, as well as the polyamory and compersion communities.

It's interesting to note how I came into contact with these people. At first, I tried to split them into "real-life" and "net" friends, but I've been online for so long that distinctions like that blur. (I actually have only one close friend who's not online in any of the same places that I am, and he's an exception in many ways.) Some people are obviously people that I met in real life first, such as inquis, who I met when I was 9, and londonstatto, who I met at college 4 years ago, but the people I've met through alt.polyamory and various bi places blur and merge into my real life. Of the people listed above, I've spent at least a few hours in real life with all but two. I am attracted to four of them. At least two of them are attracted to me...



Well, I'm going to head off to bed now, and hope that I don't sleep all day. The weather outside is yucky - after a dawn so bright that I had to close the blind in order to see my screen properly, it's now all clouded over, and I don't think I'll be missing much if I sleep now. Hopefully Tim and Peter might be able to visit tonight, before they head off on their "quadralingual holiday". (I should explain this. Tim and Peter are going on holiday with Peter's family. Tim is British and speaks English (and at least some French, but that's not relevant now). Peter is Dutch and speaks English and Dutch (and some other languages). Peter's parents are Dutch, and I don't know what they speak apart from Dutch. Peter's brother speaks Dutch and German, and Peter's brother's girlfriend is German and doesn't speak Dutch. So there will be at least three different languages being spoken amongst the people on the holiday. And they are going to Italy, which makes four.) Otherwise, I'll just log on again later and read the more than 1000 messages that have appeared in alt.poly since I last had time to clear it.
  • Current Mood
    geeky geeky