December 12th, 2001


I'm supposed to be at work... why am I sitting in front of the computer in my pyjamas?

I woke up too early this morning, and rather than getting up I thought "sod it, I'll just go back to sleep until my alarm goes off". Had no trouble falling asleep again, but I dreamt something weird and strange which meant when my alarm went off I woke up shaking and crying. After half an hour of lying in bed clutching a small furry ewok, I was still too damn agoraphobic and panicky to go in, and by then it was too late anyway.

Nightmares are a pain in the arse. I've been having more of them since I dropped my antidepressant dosage down, but I don't think that's the cause. I think it's worry about what's going to happen over Christmas. Since my teens, it's been a nightmare every single year, except last year when we went to spend it with Richard's parents. Although I spent some of Christmas day in hospital (because I had a bad asthma attack and couldn't breathe), it was still a better Christmas than anything I've had with my family in recent years. We'd hoped to do much the same thing this year, but things got complicated because Richard's mum died. *sigh*

Sorry to post something angsty after not having written anything for a while - I didn't mean to clutter up your friends page with moaning. If it helps, you can look at elynne's piss-take of angsty poetry afterwards, and that should cheer you up again.
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bleh (a bit of a rant).

This afternoon, I decided that as I had the day off work, I should do something useful with it. The most useful thing I could think of was to get some more sorting out done for alt.polycon 8, so I took myself down to Brighton for a meeting with the conference manager at the hotel we're 99.9% going be using. This wasn't too much of a problem, as once I'd got past the initial "can't leave the house" agoraphobia, and phoned work to say I wouldn't be coming in, I felt better enough to handle the journey. It's an easy run down to Brighton from here - even though it sometimes involves three different trains, it's a journey that I generally enjoy doing.

The meeting went well, and we agreed all of the terms and conditions verbally. The contract will be drawn up tomorrow and I'll sign it and pay the deposit on Friday or Saturday. I'll have to get going on the announcements to the group and web pages - hopefully djm4 will be able to put the site together pretty quickly. Feeling rather pleased, I went for dinner at one of my favourite restaurants, Food for Friends, a veggie & vegan place which does the most fantastic food. I had some of their excellent stir fry and brown rice, some potato wedges, vegan hot chocolate and a small piece of broccoli quiche. You can guess what's coming next, can't you?

I got home, significantly cheered, and started to do some things online. About half an hour into it, my stomach decided to start playing up. Great. Today, the only thing I've had that contained milk was one small piece of quiche, and I took a lactase enzyme tablet just before I ate it. I'm sure there should have been enough lactase in there to digest all of the lactose in the quiche, but obviously not. So now I get a nice evening of tummyache, wind and diarrhoea. Joy. Coupled with which, I have the memory of the panic attack this morning - something I haven't experienced in months - to cheer me on my way. I really want to curl up with a book and some nice Dairy Milk, but instead I'm stuck with allergycare vegan nut-free gluten-free milk-free taste-free chocolate.
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