February 27th, 2002

ankh

Online agoraphobia.

I've hardly been online in the last 10 days or so. Haven't written anything in my journal for ages again, and I haven't been reading anyone else's either. I haven't even been reading email. If you've been trying to get in contact with me by some online means, I'm sorry. Please don't feel neglected - I don't mean to avoid anyone. But I just don't feel like being online.

I logged onto irc this evening for a while, and could only stay about half an hour. I felt myself going the way I do when I get agoraphobia - wanting to just hide and retreat and withdraw. I realise now I've been feeling increasingly like this online for a number of months. It seems crazy that the online world of newsgroups, talkers and irc - the place I've always retreated to when I haven't felt up to socialising in person - has itself become too scary to deal with. How can I feel anxious about "socialising" when I'm sitting in my own room with my own stuff all around me? It doesn't make any sense.

If I lose online media as a way of keeping in touch with people, I'm going to completely lose a large number of my friends. As it is, I was thinking only a couple of days ago how I used to have loads of friends, and now I only seem to see my closest friends. Because I hardly ever feel like going out, and people don't seem to want to visit me at home, I just don't see people. Also, I need to force myself into keeping a mood diary. As I know people don't want to know all the ins and outs of my depressive states, I can write it in livejournal as private entries. But I do have to keep it. Some time ago, lilfurrydan told me about a friend of his who was seeing a doctor who specialised in female depression caused by hormones. Mine is so so clearly linked to my hormones - but before I can get referred to a specialist I need to be able to prove this with a proper, detailed diary going over a number of months. I'm not going to get the right treatment until I can provide that, and I'm not going to be able to provide that until I can force myself into writing a journal.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad
introspection

Well, that was a useful exercise.

OK, I do need to force myself to keep a proper log of things. When I sat down and wrote about the last couple of days, a clear mood pattern emerged - anxiety, irritability, oversensitivity, indecisiveness... I mean, I have a badge that says "I'm not indecisive - am I?", but most people who've spent much time around me will know I'm usually the one who ends the 15 minute dinner debate by saying "Sod this, let's just go and FIND SOMEWHERE!". Indecisiveness is a really clear indicator of depression for me. I've also discovered by writing it down that I've had nightmares on three of the past five nights. So that was a useful exercise, and I feel somewhat better.

I'm also glad that I deleted the "Is everyone ignoring me?" paragraph from my last entry before I posted it. I don't think any of you are ignoring me, you just don't know there's a problem because I haven't been telling people about it, because I haven't been around to tell people. It doesn't help that I'm still extremely lacking in people's phone numbers as a result of having my phone nicked in Brighton. If you didn't mind me having your phone number before, please will you send it to me again? Thanks.
  • Current Music
    "Put The Freaks Out Front" - dEUS
goggles

PS

Oh, I can't catch up on livejournal tonight, because every time I click on a "Read more" or "Read comments" link, I get told "Sorry, this part of the database is down for maintenance right now". Humph. Thankfully, I am not yet so paranoid as to think that livejournal has it in for me.