August 1st, 2002

boots

the desire for pizza

Feeling quite calm at the moment. Earlier today I was very very unhappy and stressed, but I'm a lot more relaxed now. Just got some bread out of the freezer for me to eat later, and planning a trip to the supermarket tomorrow. As well as getting the dairy-free chocolate ice cream (if they have any in yet) I'm going to buy strong flour and yeast to make pizza dough.

Not a very interesting lj entry for you to read, but I'm allowed to post occasionally when I'm not having a health crisis or outbreak of surreality! If you want to read about yesterday's pizza crisis, it's here under the cut tag. Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    calm calm
introspection

caprice

Whee - I was going to write this after the Wildhearts gig of a couple of weeks ago (Friday 18th July, if you care), but didn't get round to it because I went down with a horrible cold. Which I still have. Got a peak flow meter from the doctor today and my peak flow is averaging 380 L/min - usually it's 440, and it should be 460 for someone of my size and age. No wonder I'm tired and feel that my lungs are full of crap.

Oh my God! I just found a love letter in my drawer whilst looking for some stuff! A 4 year old love letter, for a net romance that never made it into real life - but reading it now and I go through all those feelings of excitement and butterflies in the tummy all over again. I was so obsessed with him - he's the person that this and this on my alternate personal site are about. Oh, weird.

Anyway, perkiness:

Head inside a rut - it's like my mind is shut
I hope I cope this time
Drink and drugs will only amplify
I've still got my music, so let's give that a try
Sounds that can soothe ya
Sounds that can move you and improve you, child
Caprice

Help me see this pain doesn't matter, I'm fine
No one gets me, I don't get me, no one gets me, I don't get me
I just need a little time
Head inside a rut, the mental link is cut
I'm holding on for life

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<align=right>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Whee - I was going to write this after the Wildhearts gig of a couple of weeks ago (Friday 18th July, if you care), but didn't get round to it because I went down with a horrible cold. Which I still have. Got a peak flow meter from the doctor today and my peak flow is averaging 380 L/min - usually it's 440, and it should be 460 for someone of my size and age. No wonder I'm tired and feel that my lungs are full of crap.

<b>Oh my God! I just found a love letter in my drawer whilst looking for some stuff!</b> A 4 year old love letter, for a net romance that never made it into real life - but reading it now and I go through all those feelings of excitement and butterflies in the tummy all over again. I was so obsessed with him - he's the person that <a href=http://www.helen-louise.net/justme/index9.html>this</a> and <a href=http://www.helen-louise.net/justme/end.html>this</a> on my alternate personal site are about. Oh, <i>weird</i>.

Anyway, perkiness:

<i>Head inside a rut - it's like my mind is shut
I hope I cope this time
Drink and drugs will only amplify
I've still got my music, so let's give that a try
Sounds that can soothe ya
Sounds that can move you and improve you, child
Caprice

Help me see this pain doesn't matter, I'm fine
No one gets me, I don't get me, no one gets me, I don't get me
I just need a little time
Head inside a rut, the mental link is cut
I'm holding on for life</i>
<align=right>Caprice, <a href=http://www.helen-louise.net/Wildhearts/index.html>The Wildhearts</a>
<lj-cut>
This Wildhearts gig was very different from the last one I went to, on Tuesday 30th April. Like that one, I'd been <a href=http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=baratron&itemid=95583>ridiculously depressed beforehand</a>, but unlike that one, I was actually <u>at</u> this gig. The last one was very bizarre indeed. This is what I wrote to Ginger from the Wildhearts about it:

<blockquote>I'd been having anxiety attacks for a few weeks, but hadn't linked them to anything in particular. They mostly involved getting up in the morning and going to work, so that's not _too_ surprising. Then, I had one the afternoon I was supposed to be going to Portsmouth for the Wildhearts gig. That was... sobering. OK, I am going to see my favourite band in the world ever, and I really don't want to leave the house? Yeah. Not fun. And the person who showed up to drive me down there was someone who responded to my post on the email list - not someone I knew at all - and I was doing my best to hide the fact that I was totally flipping out in front of him, but inside I was going "Christ, what am I doing?". Felt better by the time we were at Portsmouth, but in the pub I was floating - disconnected, and not quite with it at all. Got to the gig, still felt out of it, and even when you/the band started, I just wasn't there. I felt like I was watching myself watch the band. The first three songs - I can't remember what they were - I was hearing this constant running commentary in my head.

I went to see dEUS at the Electric Ballroom a year or two ago, and the same thing happened then. I think it was a really good gig, but I couldn't concentrate on it. It was loud enough and the band were jumping around plenty, but I was too disconnected from what was happening for any of it to mean anything to me. I could have sat at home writing email, with the record on in the background, and it would have felt the same. And this was happening with the Wildhearts, for God's sake! I was crying inside - I couldn't believe my fucking fucked-up brain chemistry would do that to me - stop me from enjoying something I'd been looking forward to - something I thought would never even happen (healthy Danny, et al).

Then "Stormy in the North..." started, the first of the new songs you played - and something clicked. I started crying - tears pouring down my face - and I was actually "there" - in the same place as everyone else that night. It was new, exciting - and you and CJ singing virtually the whole song together was so amazing. So after that I spent most of the gig jumping up and down, crying or both at once. I was hysterically happy the whole way home and for a couple of hours after we got home. Then the post-gig comedown hit, and in any other circumstance I would have been suicidal, but my actual thoughts were more like "That was _The Wildhearts_! And they're going to do more gigs! I can't kill myself if there's a chance of seeing them!". Misery and self-hatred, but a load of "wow, that was great" on top. So I sat down and wrote that email to you, cryptic as it was.</blockquote>

Then I told him I needed a hug. So he sent me one.

This doesn't really end properly, but I don't know what to say to finish it off. Just - what other band would do that? Read email, care about people? Famous bands, I mean, ones who have had chart success & been in magazines & stuff?
  • Current Music
    in my head