October 7th, 2002


I am very stressed.

Remember I said back in June that I'd been referred for cognitive behavioural therapy? I've got the assessment appointment tomorrow. And I am stupidly stressed about it.

I'm not stressed so much for the reasons I gave before. I'm stressed because I forgot all about the appointment until an hour or so ago. Now, it's currently 3.20am on Monday 7th October, and my appointment is at 10.45am on Monday 7th October - so I remembered in plenty of time, what's the problem? Well, I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if I had forgotten completely - can't stop running futuristic time progressions in my head. The letter I got from the psychology department says, in big, bold letters: Should you choose not to attend an allocated appointment without letting us know, we will close your file. I can't stop obsessing with those words and calm down, accept the fact that I did remember in time and forget about it.

It is worth my pointing out that this inability to let things go is at least 33% of the reason why I need cognitive therapy :/
opinion, eye

thought and muscle memories

I washed my hair a couple of hours ago. Now, it was in August that I got my hair cut, and I've washed it several times in the intervening period - but my conscious memory is flaky. Through not thinking too hard and showering on autopilot, I ended up using far too much shampoo, because my muscles remembered years of needing to wash three times the amount of hair that I have now.

Muscle memory is an amazing thing. That kind of unconscious memory is the reason why it's said that you can never forget how to ride a bicycle - though I can't verify this for myself, as I never learned to ride one in the first place. (I have no sense of balance). My conscious mind forgets all sorts of things (like my doctor's appointments and how much hair I have), but my body still goes on, doing what needs doing.

And now I'm sitting here with wet hair unable to go to bed because my damned conscious memory forgot that I lent my hair dryer to my mum a couple of nights ago and that I hadn't asked for it back yet! Argh!
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