October 18th, 2005

introspection

Myths about Fear

This is something I've been thinking about a lot recently.

Last night I made the mistake of reading the livejournal of someone with a far more serious medical condition than mine. While it was interesting, it was singularly unhelpful for me to be reading about that person's experiences. Because then I started making comparisons between their medical condition and mine, and worse - between the level of bravery that person must have compared to me. And as we should all know by now, comparing your levels of pain or bravery to other people's is rarely a good idea... You never come out feeling positive about yourself.

Myth 1: Fear is Binary
Yes indeed, there are two sorts of people in the world: brave people (also known as strong), and cowardly people (also known as weak or wusses).

What a load of bullshit that is! Everyone is brave about some things and cowardly about other things. The reason why it seems as though people can be divided into brave and cowardly is really due to myth number 2:

Myth 2: Fear is Commutative
Everyone in the world has the same fears. So if someone can do something that you're afraid to do, they are braver than you.

To illustrate why this is rubbish, let me use two examples:
1) Removing a spider from the bath
2) Getting a burger out of the freezer

Now, I am sure that at least 1/4 of the people reading this feel a frisson relating to the need to remove a spider from a bathtub. I could make it even more scary by saying it's a large spider, and you're in a country where some spiders are poisonous to humans, and you don't recognise this one to know if it's poisonous or not. Are the arachnophobics cowering yet? Now, I quite like spiders, and certainly in my country where there are no poisonous native spiders, it's completely trivial for me to remove a spider from, well, anything.

I am not afraid of spiders. So is it brave of me to remove one for someone who is afraid? No. It's completely mundane, or routine. It might be kind for me to do that for them, but it's not an act of bravery on my part. But: it would be easy for the arachnophobe to assume that everyone in the world shared their phobia, and some people were just better at hiding it than others. And it would be easy for that person to assume that I am braver than them, because I'm not afraid.Collapse )

Myth 3: Fear has Levels To Master
It's certainly true that within a particular fear, there are levels of scariness. Going back to the spider in the bath, the spectrum would be something like:
Small, harmless spider < Large, harmless spider < Big hairy tarantula
(there are probably lots of sub-levels, but I don't actually want all the spider phobics hiding behind the sofa instead of reading this)

The problem is, suppose one day you manage to pick up the small, harmless spider and get it out the window. Maybe there was no one else around to help, so you had no choice but to confront your fear. What can happen then is that you develop some positive thoughts about your fear. Having managed to move a small, harmless spider once - you've done that. So you can do it again.

But along with these positive thoughts, you can get some neutral, or even negative thoughts. Like the thought that you don't need to be scared this time. Is that necessarily true? Certainly, you don't need to be as scared as you were before, but that doesn't necessarily stop you being scared. And supposing you are still scared despite having already done it, then bad voices at the back of your head can start up, telling you that you're pathetic and useless.

Another not-necessarily-positive thought is the idea that having "graduated" from the "moving small spiders" course (Spider Management 101), you are automatically entered into the "moving larger spiders" course. Having successfully moved the little spider, you can now try bigger ones! And you really don't need to be scared, of any of them! OK, again, that could help some people - but it might not, depending on your self-esteem. Because if part of your mind is deciding that you're ready for Spider Management 102 while the rest of it is still freaking out about Spider Management 101 (I did it once! And that was terrifying!), part of your mind can decide that you're a wuss, and a bad person. And then you start believing that.Collapse )

Myth 4: Brave People Feel No Fear
Let's just jump up and down and shout BOLLOCKS to this one. What did I just say? I'm brave for feeling afraid, yet doing the scary thing anyway. If I felt no fear, I wouldn't need to be brave - we'd be back with Myth 2, and me, who likes spiders, taking the beastie away for the arachnophobe.

It's not bravery if you're not afraid. I don't know what it is. I suppose it could be bravery if you used to be afraid and you've managed to learn not to be. But it's certainly not brave to be able to do something if you weren't ever afraid of it.

I'm sure there are other Myths. These are the ones that have been biting me in the arse.

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