November 2nd, 2005



Still not doing well at all. Emotionally I am a mixture of hypomanic and depressed with an enormous amount of anxiety and panic. Very, very easily triggered. The worst thing about this is that I'm not actually in pain physically until the emotional stuff has been triggered :/

I need help. Seriously. I've been dealing with depression for years, I can talk myself out of it in my sleep. But I don't know the first thing about post-traumatic stress. I mean, I totally hesitate to call this PTSD, because I'm sure that name should be reserved for traumatic events along the lines of being caught in an explosion, rape, being horrifically injured, suffering for years by being trapped in a body of the wrong physical sex, or witnessing your partner die horribly. But jeez, I have enough of the symptoms. Whatever name you want to put on it, I'm a wreck.

Flashbacks? Check
Hyperarousal? Check
Insomnia? Check
Nightmares? Check
Triggers? Oh my God, yes. Just the two words that start g_ and a_ are enough to have me hyperventilating. Medical stuff in general = Not good. fluffymormegil talking about the abcess in his tooth is making me panicky.
Avoidance? YES TOTALLY. I'm comforting myself with Sims 2, Pokemon cartoons and baking, anything to avoid having to think about what happened. Thus I'm fairly happy & perky - hypomanic, even - until somebody or something reminds me.

Many people have suggested I need to write to the hospital about what happened, and sashajwolf kindly rewrote my upset ramble into coherent English, but I can't even read it right now. I can't deal with anything to do with it. I was on the bus on Monday, & put on one of the albums that I was listening to in hospital, and that triggered me. (Do I have to throw away my current ten favourite albums now?). Yesterday I had to go on the bus route past Kingston Hospital, and ... I don't have the words to describe how I felt. I need to get this shit out of my head, NOW. But I haven't the first clue how.

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