March 21st, 2012

introspection

I feel like crap.

Last time I posted, I don't think I was very successful in getting across just how miserable I was. Only got two comments, and that almost made me feel worse. Which is pathetic, I know, but such is bad brain chemistry.

I am still miserable. I don't think this lowered dose of trazodone is sensible. But I also don't know how long I should try it for before giving it up as a bad idea. Clearly, if I've been on a dose for 8 years, then 1-2 weeks isn't going to be long enough for my brain to revert to what it should be doing unassisted. It's been a month now, and not only am I depressed, but I have my horrible PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder back as well - self-loathing and body-hatred. For the past couple of days I've been feeling so dreadful that I couldn't face doing anything, including reading fiction or playing video games. Instead I've been sitting on the sofa cuddling Richard while he played Skyrim.

I suppose I need to go back to the doctor. This is hard. I wish my old doctor had never retired :(

I also need some interaction with other humans, but this is also hard considering that I can't face phoning anyone, and have nothing to talk about.

And I'm miserable enough to feel guilty for writing this self-indulgent whining while other people have actual reasons for being depressed. Eugh.

Feel free to offer *hugs* or blank comments if you want to express sympathy but don't know what to say. Would also welcome supportive comments about dragging myself back to the doctor, and gifts of spoons.