June 28th, 2012


Why me? Why now?

Gods. Had a massive, massive mood crash 2 nights ago. Didn't realise it at the time, was just aware that suddenly I had no concentration span and couldn't concentrate on my work any more. Spent the rest of the night looking at the internet before collapsing into bed.

Yesterday, I couldn't even start work because I was so distracted and tearful.

Today I have woken up still tearful, but with the knowledge that I've only got a week to get this fucking report done, with no chance of an extension. The Graduate Committee have made it very clear that it doesn't matter if I'm ill, I still have to get it done - since I've already had 2 extensions. (Although I didn't ask for the first extension, they just gave it to me, so I'm sure that shouldn't count). This may be in breach of disability discrimination laws, but I certainly don't have any spare spoons for looking them up, and too much College policy is internal to departments rather than publicly searchable.

I don't know why I'm depressed. I've been taking all my meds and vitamins as usual. It's the summer, which is usually easier for me. The only thing I can actually pin it on is that in trying to do as much work as possible, which has ended up ~ 30 hours of work per week, I've already made myself ill with mystery lurgy (which I still have - please fuck off, snot from hell), and that sitting here at my desk for hours on end eating poorly because I don't have time or spoons to make myself "proper" food isn't doing me any good. Apparently I can do something like 20-24 hours of work a week before I get sick. More than that, and work cuts into the time I need for looking after myself.

I really have no idea what to do at this point. Just need to fight the depression and try to get SOMETHING done, I suppose.

Good thoughts appreciated. (*hugs* and blank comments are fine if you lack coherent words). If you must give me advice, think carefully about wording because I'm not in a hugely good state to hear it.