May 21st, 2013


My spoons are rapidly disappearing.

Life's been a bit difficult lately.

I have screwed up my left leg in an impressive manner. I keep stretching my legs while still mostly unconscious, and somehow OVERstretching my left leg and waking up screaming. My thigh has been numb for weeks and sometimes I have odd shooting sensations up and down my leg. The oddest thing is a kind of burning sensation, but like ice rather than fire. Fortunately, that doesn't happen very often.

Neither my GP nor physiotherapist can work out what exactly I've done. It's clearly some sort of nerve issue, and it's clearly not very serious since I have most of my sensation; but it's weird and unpleasant and I don't like it. Also, whenever my left leg is bad, I end up throwing my weight onto my right leg as I walk around the house, and then it gets damaged as well. Joy!

On Saturday, I randomly stretched my legs, managed to overstretch my left leg YET AGAIN, and this time it feels as though I've actually ripped something inside because not only is my thigh numb, it's all puffy just above my knee. It's better than it was, but still not good, and it's taking all my spoons to deal with it. ALL my spoons. My ability to injure myself in my sleep is prodigious, but I need to figure out what the hell I keep doing to injure it over and over.

Also, partly as a result of the above, my sleep patterns are fucked. Absolutely FUBAR. I seem to now be on a cycle of waking up between 7 and 10 pm, and falling asleep about 10 am. This is so very broken I can't even describe it. And the sleeping pills I've been given, which work splendidly for when I can't sleep because of stress, do nothing for when I can't sleep because I'm not tired enough because I basically didn't come installed with the software for functioning circadian rhythms. I can be ridiculously tired - falling over with physical tiredness - and my brain still isn't sleepy.

Oh yes! And another thing! I managed to lose my Disabled Railcard on Friday 10th May! It was in my pocket in UCL Library, then suddenly not in my pocket by the time I got to the bus stop 5 minutes away. And I spent 45 minutes looking and asked in all the security lodges and so on. Clearly, someone picked it up. Whether they are now going to spend 2.5 years claiming reduced-price travel to which they are not entitled is a question which has been bothering me greatly, because it has my name on it, but not a photo. I have paid the £10 administration fee and have been sent a new card, but there's no way to cancel the old card.

There are issues to do with College which I can't even be bothered to attempt to write about right now. The only reason this post exists is that I've edited my irc rants into semi-coherent English. Also there is other stuff which I am not posting in a public post. Like all of this, really, none of it is the sort of thing that people need to worry about: but it is a source of stress for me.

It's really been one damned thing after another. None of them very major in themselves, but together overwhelming my ability to cope. I want a bit of breathing space without anything else going wrong for a while :S