helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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how am I?

I am still approximately one million years behind with lj. Also a few hundred years behind with posting to it. Ah well.

At the moment I am fairly happy and fairly depressed. If this seems impossible to you, I should point out that whoever first described depression as acute sadness had a lack of imagination. My current symptoms are a general lack of energy, a profound lack of motivation to do anything vaguely stressful, lots of random irrational anxiety, and occasional bouts of doom and despair. But in between all that I feel okay and like what I'm doing with my life. So :P

The one constant nagging piece of sadness is major guilt about a series of very bad mistakes I made over the past year, which culminated in someone I really care/d about being badly hurt. Note to future self: stress turns you into a monster. All details deliberately left cryptic, except I still want to say to that person I'm sorry - but however sorry I get it still doesn't fix what I did wrong. It sucks, really.

I am, honestly, ok apart from that. Although more contact from other human beings would be welcomed :) Am a bit too busy and lethargic to initiate any myself.

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