helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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I'm still here. I just don't have anything to say.

That's not really true - I have plenty to say. Just don't have any energy to write it.

I dunno. Having posted this, I'm looking back at it and thinking "but I'm not THAT depressed" and it's true - compared to how a lot of people are feeling at the moment, I'm not as depressed as many. But I'm still more depressed than I have been in quite a few months, so it comes as a shock to the system.

I've said this before, but it's worth repeating: People who have long-term depressive disorders tend to find that when they are well, they can't remember how bad the depression actually was. They can remember (or people can tell them) strange things they said or believed or did, but they can't remember how they actually felt. That's the brain's coping mechanism. If you could remember how bad depression actually felt when you were well, you'd plunge straight back into it. Because depression sucks the soul out of everything, and just looking into the pit is bad enough.

I know I'm not THAT depressed because my brain still works. If I can sit down and do an entire A-level exam paper without looking anything up, and be able to make enough logical connections between the different bits to explain it to students, then my brain is working. And I still have the delight in finding logical connections and chasing them round to see if there are any more lurking. But I don't have any desire to do anything which involves effort, which includes things like continuing to sort out the house, prod unreliable students into sorting out their lives, laundry, and invoices (even though invoices mean I get money).


I so badly need a holiday. It's just as well I'm getting one, or I might just explode.

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