helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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Today has been A Day. I have officially used up all my spoons, including the spare one I keep under the sofa for emergencies, and gone into overdraft. The day featured, among other delights, me not managing to fall asleep until almost 10 o'clock this morning, having to be up again at 2pm, vomiting into bushes at 4pm, but not actually getting home from work until 11.50pm. There are reasons why I didn't go home & cancel the rest of the day after the vomiting incident, principally that I've messed the people around too much already, neither of them are free on Tuesdays, and I don't have any more work until 7pm on Wednesday, so I can "afford" to spend tomorrow dead for tax reasons. Nonetheless, I have done some bloody stupid things today. My judgement goes haywire when I have low blood sugar, am out all day, and forgot to pack any Efexor :/

I don't deserve any sympathy because it's my own fault, but blah. Just one of these days I would like to be a normal healthy person and not have to constantly weigh up what I'm capable of doing. I don't like the wording of the official spoons theory website because it's just so pretentious (especially the author's "about me", which is written in the third person and is so nauseatingly "gosh isn't she brave?" that it makes me want to hate everything else she's ever written), but it's a reasonable idea, that when you have some kind of chronic illness you have to constantly manage your resources and plan ahead. I'd like to, for one day, not have to plan ahead. Tonight I am ill in part because I forgot to pack one of my meds so couldn't take it. That makes it all my own fault, because I've been on this for fucking ever, so I should be capable of remembering to take it. Eh. The problem with spoons is that it can take an entire spoon just to manage the spoons. It gets to the point where I'm on so many drugs that have to be taken that I have no choice but to write down when I'm supposed to take them and set alarms to remind me & so on. And the more brain-fried I am, the less likely I am to remember to take the drugs (and vitamins! I don't think I managed any of those today!) to make me less brain-fried.

It would also be nice if I could a) find suitable snack food in any shop in town and b) be able to skip a meal without getting hideously ill. There are a very small number of snack foods I can buy - fresh-baked baguettes from certain supermarkets that I know do not use dairy in them, fruit juice, dried apricots, and Shapers uber-low-fat pretzels from Boots. That is it. I won't buy fresh fruit and eat it without washing, and the fruit that doesn't need washing consists of bananas (which I have to REALLY be in the mood for) and oranges (which are completely impractical to eat on the bus). (I just thought, I suppose I could patronise McDonalds and buy one of their kiddy fun bags of supposedly-washed apple slices that they are basically now obliged to offer, but ew.) So whenever I am going somewhere for more than a few hours, I need to have food to take with me. But I'd run out of pretzels and finished all the cake, and yesterday I was feeling too icky to make any more. I went to bed at 6.30pm with a migraineish thing (not actually a migraine, but it manifests like one) and slept for an hour or two. That was why I then couldn't get to sleep again before 10am this morning :/

moan moan moan bloody moan moan moan

I was going to post something else that isn't moaning, but I think I'll put that in its own post. This one is just too moany to have anything else tacked on.

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