helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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Today I received a generic form letter from Kingston Hospital. Apparently they think they're going to admit me on 2nd January.

There are no words.

I have a scar on my hand that still hasn't faded. And they think I'm going to go back there? After what happened last time? And they're going to keep me in overnight? In the same fucking ward?

Yeah, fucking right.

Today I had to walk through Kingston town centre to change buses. This is now extremely stressful for me. It's been years since I felt unsafe on the streets, and I have never in my life felt unsafe in the middle of the town in broad daylight. It's just the sheer volume of people. Now, my brain evaluates every single unknown person who approaches me as a threat - even friends have to approach me from certain angles or make a noise so I know they are coming. In a crowd full of Christmas shoppers ambling randomly then suddenly moving with purpose, I was shaking. Hypervigilance is not even the word for it [1]. The only way I could even start to block out the panic was listening to my walkman with music blasting out - at a volume which lets me block out other people's conversations and the unhelpful voices in my head, and focus only on the lyrics of the song - but not so loud that I miss real threats.

Then the other thing that happened to me in Wimpy today was that the waitress brought a knife and fork over and put it on my table before my food was ready. Glancing over and not seeing anything potato-shaped approaching, I didn't realise her movement was in my direction, so when she got to me I jumped - a violent, startle reaction that startled her in response. I didn't even know how to begin explaining. I am so over-sensitive that I can't handle a waitress (who I've encountered before) bringing my eating utensils over to me before my meal is ready? when I'm sitting against a wall with the whole restaurant in view?

And they think I'm going to go back to the place that caused all this, and let them put me through it all over again? I'd laugh, but it isn't funny. Actually, I feel like puking.

[1] I've been keeping a grip on it by remembering the fake Professor Moody's catchphrase in the book version of HP4 - "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!". Whenever I find myself being too jumpy, I think of that and get a little more relaxed. I was actually a bit upset they left that particular phrase out of the film - I was looking forward to shouting "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" back at the screen.

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