helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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introspection at nearly 1am

Just got back from a nice evening talking to old friends, and now I feel even sadder and more introspective than I usually do on January 1st. I haven't yet decided if I want to talk about it or not...


...You know how in any social group of youngish people, there will be certain individuals who everyone who is attracted to people of that gender will be attracted to? Perhaps people will say "You know, I fancy X, even though he/she's not my usual type?", and be confused by it. It's not just physical appearance, but also personality, and charisma - a whole combination of things that makes that person attractive. And how, if you're not very secure or confident, those people make you feel small - like you'll never be worthy of their attention?

And then sometimes, years later, a friend will point out to you that they always considered you as one of those people, and you turn round in complete shock and say "Me?! But I'm nothing special!", and you're amazed that anyone could have ever thought that you were one of the beautiful, unattainable ones.

And then you meet up again, and even though you're all the worse for age, the attraction is still there the same as it ever was, and you think "Why the hell didn't I sleep with you 10 years ago, when we were both young and beautiful and didn't even know it?".

And of course, I wouldn't actually want to undo the last 10 years, because I'm certainly saner now than when I was 19, and more balanced, and have a better idea of who I am and what I want. But it's difficult not to think about the little things you could have done differently, like admitting to a crush back when there was still time to do something about it. Not that there isn't time now, but it seems that way, and having gone 10 years without admitting it, it certainly seems too late now...

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