helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

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this is not my beautiful life, this is not my beautiful wife

From yesterday's Evening Standard, a review of the tv programme "Big Love" by Terry Ramsey:

As if life for Mormon polygamist Bill Henrickson wasn't complicated enough - with three wives to keep happy - tonight things get even more complex when he starts up an illicit relationship. And just to make it really bizarre, it is with one of his own wives.

That's because Bill and Barb are driving home one night when they impulsively engage in a little roadside romance - which relights their sexual fire. Trouble is... it's Margene's night.

But Bill only has eyes (and other organs) for Barb and it's not long before they're arranging another illicit tryst. And suddenly they realise: "We're having an affair." Uh-oh.


So here's a fun task for anyone who feels lilke it. Describe in 104 words (the length of the above review) or less the similarities and/or differences between this tv portrayal and your own polyamorous relationships.

Communication, communication, communication! *snicker*

What, you wanted a serious answer? That was serious!

OK, the real differences - which'll take a lot more than 104 words to write!
1.) I don't do co-primary relationships. I can imagine a theoretical situation where I was living with two or three partners and had the same level of commitment with all of them, but that isn't the state of my current relationships, nor is it likely to happen with the people I'm currently involved with. And, as I rather like my existing people, I'm not likely to throw them away for a theoretical idea.

2.) The idea of a regular "sex" night with my various partners is pretty abhorent to me. My sex drive can't be turned on and off like a tap. I'm asexual more than I'm sexual, and my relationships are more about love, companionship and snuggling than hot monkey sex. Sorry if this shatters any illusions.

3.) Likewise, I don't have a regular "date" night with any of my partners, because while I have the personality type that needs there to be A Plan for the week, I'd get bored if it was the same plan every week. Each week gets booked up as it happens, depending on what everyone involved is doing. Thus it feels spontaneous enough for the people who hate plans, yet rigid enough for the people who need plans, and everyone is happy.

4.) Even if I did have regular date nights with my partners, there'd always be the option to rearrange things depending on how people are feeling. Having only one person in a relationship web with a chronic health problem and/or disability means that flexibility should exist - having several requires it.

5.) Getting involved with a new partner or rekindling the "flame of passion" with an existing one is more likely to make me more focused on all my partners than to make me lose interest in the others. I'm strange like that.

But all these things considered - even if I had equal co-primary partners each with their own regular sex nights (ick!), and even if I was the sort of person who lost interest in the other partners when focused on a new one, there'd still be one major difference between me & the guy in the story: Honesty. If I was feeling far more interested in one of my partners than the others, I'd tell the others that rather than lying about it or trying to hide it. If someone is so easily hurt that they couldn't hear "Margene, you know I do love you and care about you a lot, and that's why I committed to be in this relationship with you - but right now all my hormones are carbonating for Barb and I just feel like doing snuggling with you rather than sex", then frankly, I shouldn't be with that person.

What do you think?
Tags: polyamory, thoughts
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