helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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chronic fatigue is STILL made of lose.

I haven't written anything in livejournal in a week or so because I haven't had enough spare energy. I've been less dead since I read a post by wispfox reminding me that SAD season is starting in the Northern Hemisphere. The first day that I set my lightbox alarm clock, I managed to get up after 10 hours sleep and half an hour lying in bed awakeish, rather than the 12 hours sleep followed by an hour lying in bed going "eurgh" that I'd needed for the whole of the previous week. However, I am clearly still suffering from chronic fatigue, because if I can only get 8 hours sleep I spend the entire day exhausted, and if I get less than 8 hours I'm like a zombie. It's not much fun.

Sometimes when people have chronic fatigue they have to stop working for a while. The thing is, if I stopped working, I probably wouldn't recover any better. I enjoy the work I do and it gives me a reason to get out of bed and get on with life. I know from experience that when I don't have work, I get depressed - which is a particular problem if some aspect of the chronic fatigue is seasonal depression. The best thing for me is to keep going and just make sure that I look after myself. However, it means that I run out what I think of as "brain spoons" before the end of the day.

One of the interesting aspects of spoon management isn't just the idea that we have a limited amount of energy available, but also that there are different types of energy. I notice myself that I have general "physical spoons", "leg & back spoons", "brain spoons" (for thinking with) and "emotional spoons". (Some people think that time is a spoon quantity, but I use "spoon" to mean a quantity of energy. It doesn't mean that I'm right and other people are wrong, just that different people use different terminology.) Sometimes it's necessary to spend one kind of spoon in order to gain others - like when I drag myself into London to see friends. It means that I end up spending some physical spoons and possibly some of my leg spoons depending on how much of a crip I'm being on that particular day, but in return I gain energy from being around other people. But it takes a certain amount of calculation to figure out whether something is going to help or hinder me overall.

So the past few days, I've been working for a few hours, then coming home and sitting in front of the computer doing things that don't need much brain - like sorting out my Sims 2 downloads and hacks ready to install Pets. (It's taken me about 15 hours to update hacks and make backups - I cannot play the game the way it's sold because it's broken in so many ways.) Last night I actually got round to installing the Expansion Pack, so this means that my sim-Ludy will be able to have a sim-Sylvia, and sim-h-l will get to live with a big wolfy. I still have 101 plans for stories that I need to write and videos that I want to shoot, but I simply do not have enough energy :/
Tags: sims 2, sleep disorders, spoon management

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