helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

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Current state of the h-l

I really "should" get caught up on livejournal. The list of posts I was intending to make but have not yet got round to has entered double figures.
* Review of the "new" Freezepop album - which has "only" been out since September.
* Review of the Wildhearts & Wolfsbane in December.
* Stuff about my trip to Las Vegas - with photos. (Which need to be cropped/edited & uploaded also.)
* Review of alt.polycon panels.
* Update on various family things (x 2).
* The current state of my mental health and/or why cognitive behavioural therapy rocks.
* Books read so far this year.
* The rest of those reviews of the various science fiction & fantasy short story compilations.
* Update on some super sekrit news (which requires that spoons are acquired so that it exists to tell you about).
* Probably some other stuff that I've forgotten.

Blah. I desperately need more hours in my life when I'm not working.

Also I am trying to resist the urge to say that I'm not ill when the evidence suggests that I am suffering from moderate fatigue (the kind where you have to sleep a lot, can't walk well and do things more slowly due to lack of brain; as opposed to the kind where you're completely bedbound) and have reasonably bad allergies at the moment. What I should say instead is that I'm not ill with anything external. Saying that I'm not ill a) trivialises my lack of spoons, b) makes me feel that I should be capable of doing more with my days than I actually am and c) is therefore dangerous to my long-term health. Because if I'm exhausted and have no freaking spoons, the last thing I need to be doing is telling myself that I'm Not Ill so that I get to beat myself up for being "crap" and "lazy". Now I just need to believe that.

Went to the party on Saturday. It was a bad idea. The party itself was great, but I was too tired to enjoy it to any extent. I really appreciated the effort that booklectic had put into the decorations and all the stuff there was to read about Victorian etiquette, laws, and patents for weird (or now entirely commonplace) stuff, and the effort which many people put into their costumes. But I was just too tired to enjoy interacting with any of the people. I'm sorry if you spoke to me and I came across as rude or not interested. I was very severely out of spoons.

Also, I think we have officially outgrown the venue, as for much of the night every room downstairs and the hallway and the stairs were all packed with people, and it was too noisy and too hot. There were maybe 6-8 people who wanted to see adjectivemarcus's evil puppet show who couldn't see it because there wasn't enough space where it was being done. I really can't stand on the stairs for an unknown amount of time, and I'm too short for that to have worked even if I could. I think next time there will have to be two viewings, or something. There were so many people in the space that I got severely overpeopled within minutes of arriving (and this is me, the person who is usually an extrovert). I really wanted to just turn round and go home, but we'd spent an hour and a half getting there (London is too big) and spent too much money on costumes... which was another thing that bothered me. Richard looked awesome, but no one wanted to take a photo of him/us, because we're not important enough, or something. This made me really reluctant to go around bothering other people for photos. I ended up spending half the night clinging to Richard as a security blanket, which couldn't have been much fun for him, and the other half doing much the same thing with Ludy.

I definitely wanted to leave by 11pm, but some people were only just arriving then(!), including the other partner of the person who was going to drive us back home - which was non-ideal, as of course they wanted to spend time together. Having no desire to attempt night bus back from Streatham and no real desire to abandon them to find their own way back to our place (without prearranged instructions!) meant I ended up ordering Chinese food instead in an attempt not to fall over. (It was very good Chinese food, though - tasty and not greasy.) I think we finally left around 1.20pm at the point where I was so very out of spoons that I stood outside in the cold air for a while so I didn't pass out. I probably did come across as rude by then :/ I Don't Like being rude to my friends through exhaustion.

This is all written as "I" because 90% of the things I'm moaning about were internal to me, to the extent that other people couldn't have helped them. It's not anyone's fault that the house isn't big enough for the number of people attending. I suppose I should have thought more carefully about whether I actually wanted to go in the state I was/am in, but normally being around people is energising to me. Also, I don't think I could have predicted that I have found it too noisy - this isn't normally an issue I have at house parties. I'm writing it up in this much detail as Things For Me To Think About, rather than a list of instructions (or orders!) to future party organisers. As I said at the beginning, I'm pretty sure that it was a great party. It's just that I shouldn't have gone.
Tags: livejournal meta, moaning, spoon management, wuzzie

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