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I am suffering from really profound depression. Woe is me!

Actually, it is purely biochemical and hormonal in nature. I have had PMS for years. But lately it has been fairly well controlled by antidepressants, and then splatted into non-existence by mood stabilisers. Now, I am reducing my dose of one antidepressant to see what happens. Funnily enough, when you come off an antidepressant, you might feel depressed during that time of the month when you've always been unstable. It's not surprising.

However, the nightmares and subsequent severe anxiety attacks are not helping my ability to get out of bed. The apathy and indecisiveness are not helping my getting anything useful done with the day. And the attacks of random tearfulness and existentialism are not helping my recovery. When you are sad and wobbly with no external trigger, your brain manufactures lots of possible Reasons why you feel that bad. And then you have to go round attacking them with Logical Thinking along the lines of "No, that is not true. These feelings are not real. It is just bad brain chemistry.". This is quite tiring, especially if you are already tired from not getting enough sleep due to the nightmares.

Also, I am stuck at a level of 150 mg a day of Efexor, because if I'm unable to keep up appearances at this dose then I certainly can't go lower. Even though I want to come off the stuff as soon as possible so we can see how able to cope I really am, and whether I need more of the mood stabiliser.

The really strange thing is that I feel awful - horrible, and wretched - and really not able to cope or think or function. Yet according to Richard, who has been observing me for more than a decade, even at my most irrational lately it has been nothing compared to what I used to be like, pre-meds and therapy. That's... quite a scary thought. How on earth did he ever put up with me?

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Current Mood: depressed depressed

6 comments or Leave a comment
mjl From: mjl Date: 10th August 2009 17:21 (UTC) (Link)
Sorry that you're feeling awful.

Hard to judge from an LJ post (and I don't know how long it took you to write or how much of the time you would have been able to do it), but you seem to have explained very coherently what you're going through and why and the ways in which you are coping, which would seem to suggest that you are coping and functioning.
mjl From: mjl Date: 10th August 2009 17:27 (UTC) (Link)
Having read it again, I hope that comment didn't sound too much like I didn't believe you or that I didn't care. Sorry if it did. Was just trying to be useful. *hugs*
baratron From: baratron Date: 12th August 2009 17:33 (UTC) (Link)
Oh yeah. I know that this current patch of depression can't actually be all that serious because my brain is still working. Okay, it's slower than usual, and I'm experiencing a lot of unwanted lack of energy and negative emotion. But it's not like the episode of Proper Depression that I compare everything else to.

However, even if this isn't the worst I could ever feel, it's still bloody annoying to feel like this. Which is really what I was getting at, and I know you sympathise well enough :)
aardvarkoffnord From: aardvarkoffnord Date: 10th August 2009 18:53 (UTC) (Link)
Depression sucks. I know (I'm Bipolar II - and intolerant of meds).

Many *hugs*
jinian From: jinian Date: 11th August 2009 05:05 (UTC) (Link)
From: skibbley Date: 11th August 2009 09:53 (UTC) (Link)
Sorry to hear you are feeling crap.
6 comments or Leave a comment