helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

  • Mood:

my life is out of balance.

Life is strange at the moment. Still not on the right dose of carbamazepine because I am an idiot. I called the surgery last Wednesday to ask when the earliest telephone appointment with my doctor would be, and they said 11am tomorrow... so I didn't take it because I thought I'd be capable of getting into the surgery to see any old doctor before that. Duh. What I should have done was take the telephone appointment, and then if I did manage to see someone else, cancel it. It's not as if an appointment with my impossible-to-see doctor would have gone unfilled for very long.

So my head is in a strange place, and my sex drive is ratcheting up, and my moods are really quite unstable. And my concentration span is going all over the place - sometimes good, sometimes non-existant.

I'm also thinking that I need to do some serious thinking about my various relationships. Essentially, though I never thought it would be - my PhD is like a new primary partnership. I thought it would be more like a new job - it hadn't occurred to me just how life-filling (in the sense of "expanding to more than fill the time available") it would be. Let alone the fact it's always with me, financially-entwined, and of highest priority in my life. Really, it's a lot like a relationship, which is odd considering there's only one person in it. (Well, three, if I include my supervisors, but that just feels weird). I haven't had time for proper quality time with my other partners in months, but I don't want to split up with either of them because I really care about them, but my balance of time and spoons available are all out of whack. It's confusing.

It would really help with the feeling more in control of my life if I didn't live in an absolute fecking tip. I've no idea how we're going to get the house sorted out when I'm too tired during the week to do housework, and Richard keeps going away at the weekends for paintball events. What we need is to get it tidied up enough that we can get a cleaner. But we have too much random crap, and too much stuff that is actually quite important but looks like crap.

I'd quite like to play my bass guitar sometime, and go out to see bands, and have time to read books for pleasure, and fit in extra research that is non-essential but useful background reading. And I don't know how I can get it all in because going up to college three days a week eats too many of my spoons.

Don't actually want advice, by the way. This is more of an "everything is confusing and in flux" post than a "help, I don't know what to do" post. I am wondering just how much better my spoon levels will get when I finally get my Mac and can work from home instead of having to keep physically going to college. Might be that's all I need? :S
Tags: bipolar, drugs being annoying, polyamory, project x-2, spoon management
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