helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

  • Mood:

Profoundly stressed.

Not in a terribly good mood. Have - hopefully! - sorted out my sleep patterns via a rather uncomfortable weekend. Now incredibly anxious about BiCon. As far as I'm aware, I'm the only person not on the team who's dreading it.

I always find BiCon immensely stressful. Not like alt.polycon, which I desperately wish was still happening, where I drop in and instantly feel at home. BiCon is too big, too crowded, too many people I don't know, too many people I don't want to shame myself in front of.

Mostly what gets me is panicking about having to provide up to three meals a day for myself by cooking. I... haven't been well enough to do that for a long time. Actually, I haven't even been able to cook one meal a day for myself for ages. I can do pasta with fake cheese or emergency chocolate cake (the 5 minute mug cake that you cook in the microwave), but that's it. Most of the time, we eat out or Richard brings home food after work, because I can't manage to cook and he doesn't have enough spare time to. God knows how I'd survive if I didn't live with someone who earns decent money.

And I'm having my usual panic about food intolerances. I accidentally ate some noodles-with-egg-in a couple of weekends ago, and the resulting 24 hours of digestive explosion (could go into details here - know that you'll prefer it if I don't) was enough to prove once again, if I ever needed reminding, that straying outside veganism is a VERY bad idea for h-ls. And the more stressed I get, oddly, the pickier I get about food. It may be London, but it's the other bloody side of London, where I don't know anywhere to get takeaway food that I can eat. And I don't know how to cope for up to four days without Costa (can handle Caffe Nero at a pinch - know for certain that no other coffee chains can provide hot chocolate uncontaminated by dairy. Nor can Costa outlets. Only the actual franchised stores).

So I'm working on the basis that I'll take my stuff over there on Friday at some stage, don't know how, and stay for as long as I can bear it. Maybe I'll calm down and have a good time. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stay there during the day and come home at night. Maybe I'll stay there some nights. Don't know. Being totally avoidant about the whole thing right now.

Really don't want Geek Answer Syndrome right now. It doesn't mix well with bad brain chemistry.
Tags: anxiety, bicon
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