Today I'm trying to get on with my academic work, which is hard because I'm feeling somewhat phobic about the whole thing. The basic problem is that if you don't do any work on a certain topic for a couple of months, you forget everything you'd been doing. And if the reason you haven't done the work is because you've been too ill and brain-fried, the likelihood is that your notes from before you stopped are all over the place.

There is no way on Earth I'm going to meet the deadline of 30th September. My doctor has already agreed to write a letter to support me - I was just holding off on getting it until I knew when I was better. As with all episodes of depression, I'm a little afraid to state "I am better" because it seems like tempting fate, but I feel more able to cope. The problem now is that I'm terrified of how far behind I am. Not only am I supposed to get this first chapter of my thesis done by the end of this month, I'm supposed to have done enough of my research to have started lab synthesis by the end of the year. And it's just not going to happen.

This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to face that terrifying panel of people at the end of every year to have them confirm that I'm "allowed" to carry on with the PhD. I don't want to be kicked off the course because I was too ill to function. If they even suggest anything on those lines ("Oh, but it was only your first year, and you've had depression already - how are you going to manage the rest of your course?"), I am going to hit them with the Disability Discrimination Act so Fucking Hard. Tempted to prime the Disability Office now so they know it's a possibility. Hmm.

Right - I have 29 papers here to read, and I should make a start on that. Seeyas later.

Tags: mental health, research
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Myself To Blame - CJ & The Satellites