helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

  • Mood:

In which our writer moans about men's underwear, the buying of.

I have been looking online for underpants for Richard for 3.5 hours now, and still not found anything suitable.

The Safe-for-Work part:
The reason I'm looking for pants is that his current ones are all full of holes. I am generally of the opinion that everyday underpants should have three, or at most, four holes. His have more than that.

The problems are as follows:
(1) Richard likes "briefs" or "slips". He does not like Y-fronts, "boxer briefs", "trunks", or boxer shorts. He certainly doesn't like the strange underwear I've found that is "like going commando" (link only borderline safe for work).

(2) Richard likes pants with a small, comfortable waistband. Not one of the ginormous pieces of elastic, over an inch thick, which seem to be fashionable these days. It is almost impossible to find "briefs" or "slips" with what I consider to be a normal waistband!

(3) Richard doesn't want words all around his belly. Seriously, what is the deal with that? It's one thing having DIESEL or AUSSIEBUM stitched around your waistband, but quite another to have CALVIN KLEIN. I just don't get what sort of man would want another man's name on his underpants. (Who isn't his boyfriend. I could understand in a cutesy sort of way if someone walked around with his partner's name on his knickers*). Richard is easily confused in the morning, and if I gave him pants with another man's name in large letters, he might forget his own name! So far I have found Calvin Klein, Andrew Christian, Tommy Hilfiger, Hugo Boss, Emporio Armani, Olaf Benz, Joe Snyder, Bruno Banani, Alexander McQueen, James Tudor and - bizarrely, Björn Borg. And it seems to be the same Björn Borg who used to be a tennis player, as one of the designs is called Grand Slam. And they are really, hideously ugly, eye-melting fabric choices. (More eye-melting fabrics can be found at Ginch Gonch, but at least you wouldn't mistake that for your own name.)

I have joked about getting (making?) him pants that say WUZZIE along the waistband.

(4) You know how there are "big and tall" men's shops? I wish there were also "short and skinny" shops! Some men's underwear has a smallest size of 32". Richard has a 28" waist, bordering on 29" now he actually has some muscle.

So far I have looked in Marks & Spencer, John Lewis, Burton, Next, Muji, New Look (I didn't even know they did men's stuff), Uniqlo, TopMan, Sock Shop (!), American Apparel, and a load of online retailers. (Many of whom seem to specialise in alarming undies for wearing in "interesting" clubs or the type of gay cruise that happens on a boat, with no normal everyday knickers on offer). I have found some awesome environmentally-friendly/10% goes to charity pants, but in the wrong styles. Also Pants to Poverty, in the wrong styles.

Frustrated. Who'd've thought shopping for such an average-shaped person as Richard would be difficult?


Gayest Underwear Ever:
So far it's a toss-up between American Apparel's Legalise Gay and Joe Snyder's Rainbow Pride. Though the whole of bum-chums is decidedly happy. I find some of it relatively tasteful, however.

Also ANDREW CHRISTIAN offers a choice of "Flashback Enhancement Bum Lift" and "Show-it Enhancement Front" briefs. Though even Marks and Spencer are getting in on that act. Frightening.


Terrifying male underwear, not even SLIGHTLY work-safe:
TEENY pouch which covers almost nothing (yet appears tasteful in comparison to some others that I found later).

HIDEOUS underwear (but with not completely unattractive model)

Gregg Homme KILT THING. I quote "The pleated kilt skirt attaches to the front of the black elasticated waistband keeping your Loch Ness Monster’s identity hidden (just about)." AARGH!

Gregg Homme Fire Crotchless briefs (to appreciate this beauty, you have to see the big pictures, one and two).

Gregg Homme X-rated Maximiser briefs (dear gods).

Apart from those three delights, Gregg Homme does actually do some nice, sexy underwear for boy-shaped people, one of which I might consider buying for Richard for "special times" - but I still haven't found any practical, everyday pants!


And a couple of irc logs:
[00:22] <astra> BJORN BORG now has his name on underwear.
[00:23] <astra> they are really, hideously ugly, eye-melting fabrics
[00:26] <HoopyCat> the underwear or the "worf, data, ensign warmbody, transporter room 2... we'll take those robotic laser-pigs out" red shirt?
[00:26] <astra> no, the red shirt is just fine
[00:26] <HoopyCat>: oh good
[00:27] <astra>: http://www.bjornborg.com/
[00:27] <HoopyCat> hideous URLs, too
[00:28] <HoopyCat> what the hell is it with designer underwear manufacturers and horrible URLs with all these ? and & and number things hanging out?
[00:28] <HoopyCat> i'm not going to buy underwear from someone who can't even keep a langId=-1 tucked away out of sight

[01:05] <HoopyCat> i buy jeans at the thrift store
[01:05] <HoopyCat> men who have sex with men are in a high-risk group for fashion, but i seem to have not been infected
[01:05] <astra> lol!
[01:06] <astra> you mean you DON'T want to wear undies like this? http://www.deadgoodundies.com/apparel/joe-snyder-rainbow-pride-shining-capri-07-brief.html?aff=por
[01:06] <HoopyCat> who would see it?
[01:07] <HoopyCat> it'd also not go through the laundry very well, i fear
[01:07] <astra> hehehehe
[01:07] <astra> are you SURE you're not secretly a lesbian? it would make more sense ;)
[01:07] <HoopyCat> it's possible
[01:08] <HoopyCat> i live with two cats and a butch electrician



* Richard also insists that men don't wear knickers, they are only for women. I am Confused because I thought "knickers" was short for "knickerbockers", and hence any kind of ass-covering could be referred to as knickers. Especially if it doesn't have its own special name like boxer shorts. Opinions?
Tags: birthday, i hate fashion, wuzzie
Subscribe

  • Why StellarWind and I love each other, Part 953

    An irc log of great silliness, in which I made a typo, and then we crossed the memes. Meme 1: Dot Dot Dot a.k.a. a Dramatic Reading of a very bad…

  • Mac naming schemes.

    [11:17] <baratron> i never understand how so many stupid Mac users have their machines open when they're staying in a hotel [11:17]…

  • Christmas presents.

    Blah. I have various people that I'm supposed to be emailing or otherwise contacting, and I don't have enough energy. I'm sitting on irc watching…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 23 comments

  • Why StellarWind and I love each other, Part 953

    An irc log of great silliness, in which I made a typo, and then we crossed the memes. Meme 1: Dot Dot Dot a.k.a. a Dramatic Reading of a very bad…

  • Mac naming schemes.

    [11:17] <baratron> i never understand how so many stupid Mac users have their machines open when they're staying in a hotel [11:17]…

  • Christmas presents.

    Blah. I have various people that I'm supposed to be emailing or otherwise contacting, and I don't have enough energy. I'm sitting on irc watching…