helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

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self-realisations: livejournal, moods and time.

I woke up today feeling like shit. Hadn't had enough sleep the night before due to (a) spodding too late, (b) Richard leaving a half-finished A-Z of London jigsaw out on the table, (c) noisy people in the flat above us, (d) some sort of insomnia that's unusual for me, where I kept waking up and not being able to get back to sleep. Finally, I had a nightmare, and when my alarm went off for me to get up and go to work, I was in a state of panic, anxiety and meeping. I worked out pretty quickly that I couldn't possibly go into work, but I was shaking far too much to actually call them and say so (which is a Really Bad Thing, by the way). Richard had already gone out to work (a source of more distress, as I'd been asleep when he'd left, and I hate him leaving without being able to say goodbye), but luckily there was A Non-Random Cute Person staying in the flat, who was able to lie on the bed with me and hug me while I meeped and burbled and sobbed incoherently for a while. There's something very reassuring about a warm, friendly, solid body which helps me in that sort of state, and gradually I started feeling better. Eventually, the NRCP and I started having a conversation about relationships, which was warm, fuzzy and leading to imminent Declarations of Poingage. So by the time I actually got to work, I was feeling really, really good - loved and emotionally strong.

This evening's work was just fine - I was doing one of the projects that I don't particularly like, but I was having a good day with great respondents, and on a roll, achieved and exceeded the target. Richard and I managed to get the same train home, and when we got in, we spent an hour or so sitting together in the front room hugging and talking about Important Things and trivia. Felt even more warm, fuzzy and loved. So around 11pm, I switched on the computer and proceeded to try to catch up with livejournal. By 1.30am, I felt like shit again - depressed as hell. This didn't make any sense - I should have been feeling great. I'd had a fantastic day in everything that I'd achieved, and I was listening to new CDs that arrived this morning by bands who have the ability to pull me out of any mood slump. So what was wrong?

Livejournal. It gets me down. Why? Because I never have enough time to keep up with it. I've just about managed to claw my way up to "only" being 350 posts behind in terms of stuff said by real people, and that's taken me hours. If I have a couple more busy days, I'll end up as behind as I was yesterday. I could just not read it, "mark all as read" in my mental map, and read new stuff, but I'm afraid of missing something important. And this is just livejournal, which is just one of the online communities that's important to me. I haven't read alt.poly properly in nine months or so! I just don't have the time!

And I realised why it is I don't have the time. I'm trying to keep up an online habit gained in the times when I'd spend ten hours a day plus in front of a networked computer. Even when I was working (and working hard, in the case of my final year of degree), I'd be able to read and reply to email and chat to people in slots of 5 minutes idle time here and there. The job I'm doing now doesn't come with net access. I don't have enough time to read everything I want to, and I certainly don't have enough time to post everything I want to. Usually, I post maybe 1 livejournal entry for every 3 or 4 I write in my head. At the moment (having a busy life), the ratio's up to 1 of 10. I miss those entries that don't make it!

The solution is simple, yet not easy. I need to find some way to keep up with things during commuting time. Having something to type entries in would be useful, even if it was only offline - because although I do jot down ideas for posts in my notebook, I can't write entire posts there and type them up when I get home. I just can't make myself do that! Bearing in mind that I have a decent phone now with GPRS, I could even read whilst travelling if I had something to display the text on (I think scrolling through the average LJ post on my phone screen would make me scream). Richard has a Palm Pilot that he hardly uses, but I've never been able to get to grips with the "graffiti" system it uses - give me a keyboard any day! Clearly, I want to get one of the smaller Psions or something like that - it can be old as long as it can be made to work with GPRS. But I can't afford to buy a new one.

So I appeal to you: does anyone (preferably in the UK) have an old Psion that I could buy for not much money?
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  • 12 comments

  • Plans

    I did not get around to booking for BiCon. The closing date for accommodation was just too early considering that I have no idea what my health will…

  • Several bits make a post

    Yesterday and today, I've been wanting to talk to people but I have absolutely no spare energy with which to do so. I have reverted to taking 2000 iu…

  • What would you do if you were me?

    So... I have received a hospital appointment letter for a course of physiotherapy, the first session of which clashes with the Graduate Symposium…