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whine whine whine, and whinge. - helen-louise
baratron
baratron
whine whine whine, and whinge.
I swear I'm becoming a more boring person every day. Currently I am able to do three "big" things a day. These include:
* having a bath
* washing my hair
* doing laundry
* making dinner
* making a cake
* doing the washing up (all the pots and pans that are too big to go in the dishwasher)
* going shopping for food
* going to the library

I get to choose three of those things to do each day, since that's all the physical energy and brainpower that I get given for the day. Other than that, all I'm doing is sitting round the house reading books, playing video games, and chatting to people online. Not much of an existence.

I ran out of the high strength vitamin D capsules a couple of weeks ago. This was intentional - "you're only supposed to take that much vitamin D for a short period of time", according to the new doctor, who is very nice, but doesn't know me (and doesn't quite believe my theory of why my vitamin D level was so low). Maybe it's psychosomatic, but I really do feel like I'm sinking back into the old brainfog that I had a few months ago. This is no good - I want to get better enough to go back to college and do academic work! I'm supposed to be having another blood test soon - I guess I should phone the doctor and find out when. That would take effort, though.

When you're suffering from chronic fatigue it's hard to figure out which parts of feeling bad and having no energy are the illness itself, and which are depression. I feel okay as long as I keep myself busy doing things like reading books and playing video games, but wouldn't that also be true if I were depressed? It's hard to know.

Things I should write about:
* my birthday, which was good
* the books I've been reading lately
* Sonisphere music festival
* the many links that are cluttering up my computer
* the cognitive behavioural therapy I'm having for sleep difficulties, which was promising at first but now seems pretty useless

I'll try to do that over the next few days. I keep saying that without managing to summon up the energy to do anything about it - it's ridiculous that it's July and there are still entries from March on the front page of my journal! But mostly all I want to do is moan, and no one needs to read endless entries of something whining about their health.

Especially as my health isn't even all that bad compared to some people. Nothing that I have is going to kill me, and there's no reason why I shouldn't live for another fifty years. I'm just sick of knowing that I have the brain to be a really useful and productive member of society, and not being able to do that because I'm too fucking tired :/

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Current Mood: exhausted exhausted

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Comments
quiet000001 From: quiet000001 Date: 21st July 2011 00:23 (UTC) (Link)
Stop comparing yourself to other people's problems - you can only live yours, not theirs. :P Someone else being worse doesn't actually make you feel any better, after all - it's not like there's some magic balancing act. ("Kris is having a bad day, so spare energy she's not using gets transferred to baratron!" - that might actually be HANDY.)
firecat From: firecat Date: 21st July 2011 03:21 (UTC) (Link)
I wish I didn't know what that (brainfog/chronic fatigue/depression/low spoons) is like.

Curious about the CBT for sleep difficulties.
memevector From: memevector Date: 21st July 2011 10:19 (UTC) (Link)
Belated happy birthday!

You might like this post by Havi Brooks (which I think is beautiful):
http://www.fluentself.com/blog/stuckification/the-fountain/
(Deleted comment)
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