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Announcement - helen-louise
Richard & I are getting married on 1st February 2012. It's a Wednesday.

I need to write a general FAQ about the wedding, but here's some basic information for now.

We've given up on the idea of having the sort of wedding we actually want, and instead we're splitting it into two parts:
1) a tiny legal wedding with as few family members as possible, plus a handful of our closest friends to stop us murdering any of my family. Less than 20 people, simple civil service, meal at local restaurant.

2) a much bigger commitment ceremony, some months later (could be as late as 1st August 2013, depending on how badly hotel & flight prices have increased due to the Olympics) with many friends plus a handful of family members of our generation. Followed by a party with lots of cake, music, gaming area, and a chocolate fountain.

Essentially, we're doing something traditional with/for the oldies, and something untraditional for us.

The legal wedding will be in Kingston, but all I can say about the commitment ceremony is that it'll be in or near London.

In lieu of presents, we want friends with spare money to donate it so that friends who are broke can afford to come - like a convention fan fund or BiCon equality fund. The only people who will know who's given or received money will be me & Richard, and frankly we already know which of our friends have spare or no money anyway.

There is only one thing I need to say at this point: will anyone be offended not to be invited to the legal ceremony?

Poll #1792971 Do you want to come to Richard & H-L's wedding?

Do you want to come to the legal ceremony?

Yes, it is very important for me to see my friends legally married.
I will come if you invite me, but it's your decision who to invite.
Don't worry about me as I wouldn't be able to get there.
Don't care either way.
No, I object to legal marriage and/or hate weddings.

Do you want to come to the commitment ceremony and party?

Yes, I will come to both if I am available.
Yes, I will come to the commitment ceremony if I am available.
Yes, I will come to the party if I am available.
Not sure, my life is too chaotic to make plans that far in advance.
No, I still hate weddings even if they aren't legal marriage ceremonies.

Note that with regard to the commitment ceremony, there is no option for "I can't come because it's too far away". If you want to come, we will find a way to get you here.

Just so that everyone is informed now and there are no misunderstandings later, we don't want any young children who might make noise at the commitment ceremony. Children who are able to sit quietly with a book are welcome, and children of all ages will be welcomed at the party.

Tags: ,
Current Mood: excited excited

48 comments or Leave a comment
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geminigirl From: geminigirl Date: 7th November 2011 01:45 (UTC) (Link)
This sounds like a lovely way to meet the "needs" of everyone (where "needs" means "let's not alienate or offend family members because that just gets awkward.)

I/we will make an effort to come if we're invited, but it's much too far away to plan or promise anything now. (And I promise to keep my children either quiet or away from a formal ceremony if we are invited.)

baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 03:28 (UTC) (Link)
It's severe compromise on all accounts. Richard would honestly like to get married with just our respective parents and two legal witnesses there, but I have other family members who will object to not being there. As it is, there's going to be Issues about the people that aren't being invited. But why should I invite someone who doesn't send us Christmas or birthday cards or letters or phone up occasionally? Apparently asking my father how I am is the same as communicating with me... this explains A LOT.

I generally feel that it's every day that makes the marriage, rather than the wedding day. I think too many people spend too much attention on the wedding day itself and not enough on the day-to-day part of the marriage. So it doesn't matter so much if the wedding day isn't exactly what I want.
From: pir Date: 7th November 2011 02:06 (UTC) (Link)
baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 03:28 (UTC) (Link)
Thanks :)
quiet000001 From: quiet000001 Date: 7th November 2011 02:44 (UTC) (Link)
I would love to come, but obviously with the whole thing with my mom and possibly going back to graduate school or something, I can't be sure if I could make it this far in advance. But I want to be kept in the loop as plans get made so I can try to make it. :)

(I'm not bothered about the legal ceremony, though. Neph and I always planned to do something similar to what you guys are planning because the legal bit was just so... Not-us and not what we wanted to celebrate with our friends anyway. The whole legal thing just felt so anti-climactic and pointless after what we'd been through by the time we got around to it, you know?)
baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 05:33 (UTC) (Link)
Okay, livejournal has now eaten my reply to you TWICE. I'm beginning to think it's cursed ;)

I will be posting plans here as they happen. The commitment ceremony is very unplanned right now. Even the legal marriage part isn't *very* planned. I'm mostly thinking about making a list of Things People Need At A Wedding Ceremony and crossing most of them off:

* Flowers? No. I hate cut flowers. Grab a couple of potted plants if needsbe.
* White dress? Sod that. Either my favourite existing goth dress or buy a new one that fits even better.
* Hair and make up? My usual hairstyle and lack of make up.
* Confetti? No, it's a waste.
* Wedding cake? Ugh, fruitcake :P Get some individual cupcakes instead.
... ;)
trinker From: trinker Date: 7th November 2011 02:55 (UTC) (Link)
Um...I'm not actually angling for an invite, as I'm not sure we're on such terms...I will be celebrating no matter whether I'm there or not, as you're someone I've thought of fondly for years.

I expect that your invite list will be sorted based on who's been part of your inner and proximate circles and other criteria, and do not expect to be on your list of "please be here".

I'm thrilled for you and Richard, and hope your reasons are happy ones.
baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 04:15 (UTC) (Link)
I think I'll be drawing the line at "people with whom I have mutually exchanged real/legal/offline names" (since a person's "real" name might well not be their legal name). And that's a clunky sentence if ever I saw one! But I will happily accept your congratulations and celebration.

Our reasons are mostly practical rather than "romantic" - we've been together in a sane and stable relationship for 14 years, and see that as unlikely to change. We both see a marriage as the things you do every day rather than the ceremony at the beginning, so we're not terribly bothered about whether it is a legal marriage or not. However, there are some benefits to having a legal marriage, such as next-of-kin status and for various arcane bits of UK tax and inheritance law. So we might as well do both - the legal marriage and the celebration.
From: jinian Date: 7th November 2011 03:01 (UTC) (Link)
Addendum to poll response: I'm glad you're happy, and I'm not trying to be a jerk.
baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 03:23 (UTC) (Link)
No, no, there's nothing jerkish about being either against legal marriage and/or hating weddings! I'm all for direct communication, and if someone doesn't want to attend a wedding-type celebration, I don't want to invite them. Because then there'd be the whole dance about what someone means when they say they "can't go", and...

Much easier if we're all honest with each other in the first place!
(Deleted comment)
baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 05:25 (UTC) (Link)
Hooray for godot! I have been bad at keeping up with your journal, but I'm aware of how long you've been waiting, and wish you much happiness when he finally arrives.

I *really* miss alt.polycons :(
From: ext_221050 Date: 7th November 2011 03:20 (UTC) (Link)
Yay! The two-ceremonies thing does simplify things, doesn't it? :-)

Alas, February 1 lands right in the middle of the academic quarter, so I suppose I'll have to postpone my UK debut until the chocolate fountain instantiates. Drat.

baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 05:36 (UTC) (Link)
Indeed! The reason for 1st February is that it's already our anniversary - I was wanting to keep the same one. We were *supposed* to be getting married on our tenth anniversary, but apparently weddings do not organise themselves.

To make for a nice round number we could wait another year for our fifteenth; but we got together when we were 21, so we could go with some sort of Rule of Sevens instead. If all goes well and there is no Rapture or nuclear holocaust, then we will have our 21st anniversary when we are both 42, which seems Fitting.

Anyway, you don't want to come to the legal marriage. That'll be 20 minutes long and not very interesting. The commitment ceremony will be much more enjoyable.
bethanthepurple From: bethanthepurple Date: 7th November 2011 03:25 (UTC) (Link)
I love how you've planned this. And congratulations xx
baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 05:40 (UTC) (Link)
What, making it all up as we go along? ;)

Seriously, we've been Going To Get Married for at least the past six years - I remember reading about mactavish's wedding on her tenth anniversary with deyo and saying to Richard, who I'd been with for about eight years at that point, that we should do that. It didn't happen. So the ideas have been there for ages. It's just the organisation that hasn't been.

Also, it's amazing how despite being an empowered bisexual feminist, the urge for fluffy white meringue dress and Big Church Wedding persists at the back of my mind. That's never been what I've wanted - so why am I having to fight back urges for it now? Most odd.
lilairen From: lilairen Date: 7th November 2011 04:22 (UTC) (Link)
Hooray for you both. :)
baratron From: baratron Date: 7th November 2011 05:40 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you :)
nmg From: nmg Date: 7th November 2011 06:29 (UTC) (Link)
Congratulations to you both! (and, if I may say so, an admirably pragmatic attitude towards marriage)
emperor From: emperor Date: 7th November 2011 08:30 (UTC) (Link)
Congratulations :)
submarine_bells From: submarine_bells Date: 7th November 2011 09:57 (UTC) (Link)
Congratulations! Yannow, I'd always assumed that you and Richard were married (by whatever standard you consider appropriate) - you've always talked about your relationship with him in a way I associate with long-term-commitment/marriage. Hooray and all that, at any rate!

I'd certainly show up to your party if you were local; but I don't think we're close enough friends that I'd expect or anticipate any effort to get me there since we're not even in the same hemisphere, let alone the same country! Still, I'll be there in spirit, making cheery congratulatory noises and tossing imaginary confetti all over everyone with evilly enthusiastic glee.
otterylexa From: otterylexa Date: 7th November 2011 10:39 (UTC) (Link)
From: artremis Date: 7th November 2011 10:47 (UTC) (Link)
Yay! And that sounds like a sensible way of fitting i all he conflicting needs and expectations.
Most importantly how is the chocolate fountain planning going?
jhaelan From: jhaelan Date: 7th November 2011 11:41 (UTC) (Link)
Chaotic for me is moving back to the UK and getting married myself a few weeks before!
baratron From: baratron Date: 8th November 2011 02:51 (UTC) (Link)
Congrats with yours - may it work out much happier than your last marriage! (From the little I've seen of her in your journal, that seems likely, but thought I'd say it nonetheless).

So are you getting married in Singapore, or somewhere else?
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