helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

  • Mood:

I leap off of a cliff but I'm building my wings on the way down.

Blargh. Definitely having a bipolar mixed state, with manic and depressive symptoms at the same time. It's frustrating as all hell because some of the things that relieve depression are totally contraindicated for a mixed state: I can't e.g. use my lightbox, because I'm already agitated, jittery, and overstimulated. I'm going to see how it goes for a bit longer, and then go to the doctor if it doesn't improve.

I've been having days where I can't even explain how jangled up I am inside, and days when I can pass for normal. Not exactly sure what causes the difference.

I can't sleep. At all. I normally fall asleep late and wake up late, but this is going to bed ridiculously late and still not being able to relax enough to sleep for 3 hours. And then, if I wake up needing to pee or something, not being able to fall asleep again for another hour. I haven't been taking sleeping pills because I only have 2 left and need to save them for dire emergencies. Though it would be interesting to find out whether they helped.

I have raging anorexia - the symptom, not the disease. I'm just not hungry, and don't want to eat. This is so completely unlike me. Normally, I love food, but right now I'm picking, even at things containing lots of garlic, or chocolate. Yesterday I ate two proper meals and a snack, and this was amazing. The "proper meals" were about 1/2-2/3 of the size that I'd normally eat, but at least they contained vegetables and protein.

(I once went to a stupid doctor because I was having raging anorexia as a depression symptom, and got told that it wasn't a problem because I could afford to lose a bit of weight. I had to point out that NOT EATING is the worst possible way to lose weight, since your body thinks it's going into a famine and starts conserving everything it can as fat. Stupid doctor.)

I am obsessing crazily over a certain video game and a certain character in the video game. I'm getting through that by writing a fanfic, which will make fangirls CRY. I was feeling horribly guilty, since I wasn't sure whether it was my mental health failing that made me pick up the obsession, or whether I get obsessed and then that causes the bad mental health - so I should give up everything potentially addictive. But stellarwind, who is both wise and one of the people on earth who understands me best, said "I think that you would have picked up a mini-obsession anyway, but your current mental blargh is amplifying it." Hooray for friends.

Speaking of friends, I have no spoons, and am hermiting. I don't want anyone to think that I don't care. It's just that irc is the maximum contact level I can cope with right now. I'm not even spending a lot of time with Richard in the house. Or wanting physical contact. It's part of being overstimulated - being touched is really uncomfortable unless I initiate it. This may even be the attraction of video game people - you can pick them up when you want to play with them, and put them down again when you don't feel like it any more, without hurting anyone's feelings.

Other little things: I am being ridiculously overstimulated by animated gifs online. Normally, I can block out things that aren't actually flashing - but right now, any animation at all distracts me so much I can't think. Certain userpics and banner ads on sites are making me feel violently sick.

I've been going into College when I can, and pottering about in lab. Apparently, being in lab fixes a lot of what's wrong, or... gives me something to do with my brain other than stressing. It's difficult at the moment because the lab is full of MSc students who I don't know, and it's hard to fake being completely normal around them. And going in every day is impossible because of not sleeping, and pain. I'm doing what I can, when I can.
Tags: bipolar, sleep disorders
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