helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

  • Mood:

I am pissed off and I want to cry.

I know that the next doctor I see will not be an expert in depression. So I'm trying to find out useful information so that I'll have some idea of what to tell them & what to ask for. I've been reminded by an entry in kixie's journal (thanks!) that my type of depression is called "atypical". The best simple description of it I've found is this: Atypical depression is a variation of depression... The sufferer is sometimes able to experience happiness and moments of elation. Symptoms of atypical depression include fatigue, oversleeping, overeating and weight gain.. Also The sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They will feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with. Their mood will brighten considerably when dining out with friends or enjoying a good movie. But when they are alone, their mood will slip back into the dark depths of depression. Yup, that's only too familiar.

And reading through these websites with psych information - I'm reminded of the times I went to see my doctor at college, telling her I was depressed, begging her for help - and getting no response except hassle about my weight and dieting information. Being told I didn't have clinical depression because I was sleeping all the time and putting on weight, whereas if I had depression I'd be unable to sleep and losing weight... oh, and if I had depression I wouldn't feel happy when good things happen. Christ! All those fucking years - what was it? three years that my depression went untreated because no one in my college health centre would believe I had it. In the end I was given Prozac for six months, and when that did nothing this was just confirmation that "there was nothing wrong with me". Not that maybe it was the wrong drug for me or the wrong drug for my type of depression.

Argh. Reading this is bringing all those memories back - when I was so desperate I really did want to die - and the number of times that Richard and Marcus saved my life. If I pray for anything to be universally granted, it would be for doctors to actually know their subject.

And now I am going to cry.
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