helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

  • Mood:

Blargh.

I really Do Not Like how I'm feeling at the moment. It's 8.24 am and I haven't managed to sleep yet, even though I quit my game before 5 am and lay down in the almost-dark for almost an hour before giving up and reading on my phone again. I feel so desperate and frustrated, and my moods are all over the place.

The conclusion I have come to is that I've never regained the same level of mood control that I had before going on pregabalin and then gabapentin, which are both anticonvulsants which affect mood, used for relief of pain caused by neurological issues. I thought that stopping the gabapentin would be enough to make my carbamazepine go back to smoothing things out, but it's been 6 months and I still don't feel as though I'm getting adequate mood control. (Also, my back needs another set of injections, which is another story in itself.)

Right now I feel in a "glorious" mixed state of depression and hypomania, with all sorts of negative self-hatred/self-harming desires going through my mind, as well as anger and tearfulness, and too many thoughts. In some respects I feel as though I have loads of energy, except I don't really. Loads of thoughts and ideas, but no actual energy or concentration span to start writing any of them down. I keep playing Elder Scrolls Online because it's the only damned thing I can concentrate on, and it's absorbing enough that I don't have to worry about anything else while I play it. I have a horrible feeling I'm using it to self-medicate because of how shitty I feel when I'm playing and there's no one else I care about on to talk to.

I need to go and see my doctor. It's difficult to explain how bad I'm feeling when I can fake normal so well. I keep thinking "I hate my life", except I don't, really. My life is pretty awesome in so many ways. What I hate is my brain, for not managing its own neurotransmitters properly.

Don't want advice, don't want sympathy, only empathy from people who have some idea what this feels like. Stupid brains!
Tags: aargh, better living with modern pharmacology, bipolar, drugs being annoying
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