helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

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T minus 10 hours.

So, tomorrow I have the viva (oral examination) for my upgrade report, which I am looking forward to about as much as anyone with anxiety would.

"Normal people" come out with comments like "Everyone gets anxious about exams". And I'm not saying that they're wrong. However a person without the actual psychological condition called anxiety is highly unlikely to get into a state where they can't function because they've lost one specific notebook, and it's 5 am, and they've been looking for an hour, and their partner is urging them to give up and work on something else in the meantime. And - get this - they even have all of the information contained in that notebook in other notebooks which aren't lost.

But they can't stop looking because there's a misfiring neuron in their brain which won't let them concentrate on anything else except the fact that the notebook is lost and so they don't have the material to look over and so they're going to fail the exam.

Yeah. That's just not a thing which happens to people who don't have anxiety. Parts of it, maybe. But the whole irrational chain of catastrophe? No.

It actually turned out not to be the end of the world at all because in rewriting the notes, I realised something that I hadn't worked out before, and now if they ask about it tomorrow I'll be prepared. But I could have done without that sort of episode of stress.

I feel fairly prepared now, but I don't like the idea of the time I need to get up in the morning. The exam is at 1.30pm, so I need to be on the 11.48 am train to make sure I have loads of time in case of, I dunno, snow. I REALLY don't think it's going to snow but my mother insists it's on the forecast, so getting up super-early in case the trains are more screwed up than usual it is. Urgh. My hair feels absolutely horrible but I do not have the spoons to wash it. It's do the exam with dirty hair or have clean hair and be too tired to function. Really, they are not examining me on my hair.

In related news, it turns out that the reason why my Department hasn't been following my Individual Student Support Agreement (ISSA) for the past year-and-a-bit was because they didn't have it. Somebody screwed up. I even know who the somebody was, but it's pointless yelling about it now. However, that was a big load of stress on Tuesday which I didn't need! The College is now using something else instead of an ISSA so I have to make an appointment with the Disability Office to get that sorted out, but not before tomorrow.
Tags: anxiety, college, departmental politics (stupid), disability, research
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