helen-louise (baratron) wrote,
helen-louise
baratron

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The Eurovision song contest.

Bah. I've just put flapjacks into the oven. It'll be half an hour before they're ready to come out of the oven, and another half an hour before they've cooled enough to eat. I am impatient! - especially when it comes to food! So in an attempt to distract myself (and stop eating raw flapjack mix) I'll type up our thoughts from the Eurovision song contest on Saturday.

These are the combined thoughts of myself, Richard/wuzzie, Tim/meeping and Peter. They are incomplete because I only started writing the comments down when they got particularly amusing, and some of the earlier songs were completely unmemorable. The numbers refer to the order in which the countries went.

Genuinely good songs:
5, Spain. This was the best stereotypically Eurovision song. It was hummable Euro-pop sung in native language, switching to bad English for the chorus, and with the obligatory key change near the end. We thought this would win until hearing the Croatian song.

6, Croatia. We genuinely liked this song (and expected it to win). A very pretty singer and a catchy song. It did much worse than we expected.

11, Switzerland. The singer was pretty and reminded us of someone, but we couldn't work out who. Tim thought she looked like Posh Spice without being skeletal, but I disagreed. See if you know, 'cos it's bugging me.

24, Lithuania, was a typical 80s-sounding track sung by a young, gay-looking guy with long hair in a fluffy jumper. Peter liked this song enough to vote for it, but it came second from last for reasons we didn't understand.

Truly awful costumes:
4, Greece. For some reason they dressed up as robots in black leather, like Kraftwerk gone Blade Runner. We thought we should vote for them just because they had the guts to go on stage looking stupid.

7, Russia. The band were called Prime Minister. Terry Wogan made sarcastic comments about how "when you get a boy band, you expect them to be good looking. Russia appear to have done the reverse". I have a photo of lilfurrydan which he hates. We had an argument by SMS about it when I put it on my web site - he said it was an awful photo of him as he looked "fat" and his hair was "greasy". Well, the lead singer of Prime Minister was the spitting image of Dan in that picture, only he was fatter and looked like he'd combed his hair with lard. Hmmm.

8, Estonia. The girl singer was wearing the most bizarre white suede number, which Richard said looked like it had been ripped from "the back seat of a 1973 Mercedes". He also said it looked like the top and the skirt had been cut from the same piece of suede. I'm not sure if we noticed the song.

9, Macedonia. Another bizarre outfit - the girl singer started off wearing a dress, then pulled it off to reveal a breastplate and tutu underneath. Except that the breastplate had both a six-pack stomach and woman's breasts. We meeped considerably.

16, Belgium. Another one we thought we should vote for simply because the guy had the guts to get up there dressed like that. He was a fat bloke, and it would appear that whilst his agent told him he should look like Meatloaf he'd actually decided to go for Billy Idol, and so he ended up as a cross between the two. Yes, this was disturbing! Richard, meanwhile, was convinced he'd been in a regular jam session in Brussels with the drummer.

18, Germany. This woman wasn't so much androgynous or butch as ugly. And she stood rooted to the spot flapping her hand on the microphone vaguely out-of-time with the music. We wondered if she was, in fact, glued to the stage - if the plastic soles of her boots had melted leaving her stuck there.

Having said that, I just found out from the Eurovision site that she's blind, so presumably can't dance in case she falls over, and I feel a bit mean for criticising her about it. However, I do think someone should tell her how ridiculous her hand flapping is!

Just too dreadful for words:
13. Finland. The singer was called Laura and was allegedly female, despite being extremely androgynous (she was completely flat-chested).

19. "Turkey Steps", said Tim. This comment made me laugh so hard it upset my stomach and I had to spend the rest of the song in the bathroom.

21, Romania. First she sung a line. Then he sung a line. And they proceeded to duet like that. Bleurgh.

And the winners of the gay vote are:
22. Slovenia. Oh, they were wonderful! Three men dressed as air stewardesses accompanied by three people of unknown gender (one was definitely a woman) dressed as airline pilots. Camper than a field of tents. Eurovision is known for its gay audience, and these guys were perfect for it! It seems from the BBC site that they're a professional drag queen band, rather than a "normal" band who just happened to be in drag, which makes them even cooler! We thought they would definitely get the queer vote...

...until we saw 23. Latvia. The singer was an attractive woman who started off wearing a man's suit and trilby hat. As the song went on her backing singers pulled off her man's clothes to reveal a dress underneath. But even then she spent the song singing "I want to be the sunshine in your eyes" to one of the girl backing singers! Hot lesbian action! I commented "This woman is going to be starring at G.A.Y. for the rest of her life on this performance".

All in all, a smashing evening in with Eurovision.
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