helen-louise (baratron) wrote,

  • Mood:

forwards, not backwards

I had a useful, productive and painful session at the doctor's today. I came out crying my eyes out but actually feeling better, if that makes any sense. I should have come home and written down everything we said straight away so I could remember it, but I was tired and headachy and honestly too upset to. And now I'm irritated with myself for being so pathetic because I've forgotten some of what we discussed.

Anyway, the most salient part is that I seem to be stuck in a time warp. I'm forever wanting to go back to when I was a kid because I was happy then, rather than dealing with my problems in the present. In fact, I'm desperately afraid of the future. This makes sense in that my present is depressed so I assume that my future will be, too. But obviously this is terribly negative thought processing! The question of the day is how much am I depressed because of faulty biochemicals and how much am I depressed because of negative thinking?

You can't change your feelings - or at least, most people can't. What you can do is change your actions, and change the thoughts that lead to those feelings. There's a type of therapy called cognitive therapy that aims to reverse negative thinking and help stop you becoming depressed in the first place. When this was suggested to me before I was terribly sceptical about it, but now I'm wondering if it might help me. I'm stuck in the past already - no amount of therapy aimed at raking through my past will help me now.

The problem is that cognitive therapy is likely to be at least somewhat confrontational. I need to stand up to the parts of me that are thinking "bad" thoughts and sort them out. If you had a team of people who all worked well together apart from one who was disruptive, you'd take that person aside and find out what his problem was and either sort it out so he could return to the team or get rid of him. The same applies to thought patterns. The problem is that going through this process means I'll be feeling worse before I get better - and I'm terribly terribly afraid of feeling any worse than I do now.

Am I strong? I don't know how strong I am because I've never truly tested it. Ultimately there's something at the back of my mind saying "I can't (test my strength) because I'll die". But constant nagging depression accompanied by bouts of self-loathing - this isn't being alive either, this is just existing. I've got to go somewhere, and it might as well be forwards, rather than backwards.

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